The First Time I Saw: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a film whose reputation precedes the viewing experience.  It’s one of those titles that is oft-whispered on playgrounds and in pre-teen social circles as a sort of rite of passage the same way Faces of Death might be; “Hey, ever seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre?  No, well ‘I’ did!”  Even today, kids wear these kinds of bragging rights like a badge of courage!

Probably the first time I heard the name The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was in the 1985 comedy Moving Violations when the character Wink Barnes (played by The Burning's Ned Eisenberg) tells another character to rent the film, stating it will relax him! 


My first true experience with Texas Chainsaw would be when my own mother took me to see A Nightmare on Elm Street 5 in the theater; the infamous teaser trailer for Leatherface:  Texas Chainsaw Massacre III played before it.  To this day, the tranquil music that plays under the ominous voice-over about stories and legends still makes me a little uneasy!  This trailer just compounded any preconceived notions I had about the world of Texas Chainsaw, which were birthed from the brief mentions of the original film and its theatrical poster glimpsed (not to mention Chas Balun's bitchin' t-shirt either!) in the Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors home video.


For the longest time after that, I had wild visions of Leatherface or "Piggy" as I believed him to be called (ed:  why exactly does Clu Gulager refer to him as such in the Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors video anyway?) chasing around people wearing cowboy boots and cowboy hats!  Around this same time, my dad had a bunch of friends who owned and operated a horse equipment company, where a lot of folks dressed like extras in Urban Cowboy or the band in The Howling, so these types of characters peppered such daydreams. 


The next utterance of Texas Chainsaw Massacre came in
the form of Chainsaw & Dave in 1987's Summer School!  These dudes were funny and they LOVED the movie...so it had to be cool, right?

Dean Cameron and Gary Riley as Francis 'Chainsaw' Gremp and Dave Fraizer

Finally, in the summer of 1989, of course mom took me to see Nightmare 5 , where I saw that damned teaser trailer for Leatherface:  Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.  Here was a teaser trailer that frightened me so badly, it remained branded into my brain like the monogrammed ass-end of a cow.  "So this is what Leatherface is all about, huh?" I thought to myself. 

Much like the opening monologue of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2, ol' Leatherface and his story continued to haunt me via whispers and casual pop culture references over the next several years.  Whenever I'd be in a video store, I'd gaze at the box art for Texas Chainsaw and its first sequel, terrified & disgusted...yet wholly curious.  Lending even more credence to Chainsaw’s “based on a true story” mythos, I fondly recall how one of my best friend's moms even claimed to remember when it actually happened! 


What. In. The. Actual. Hell?!?!


It wouldn't be until probably 1995 or 1996 until I would finally cross the border and ultimately learn that the saw, truly, was family.

The very first time I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre was courtesy of the Video Treasures release on VHS which I purchased at the now long gone Jamesway department store in Flemington, NJ.  Sometime before actually watching the film though, I must have caught the opening scroll/credits once on cable since I knew that the events of the first film took place on August 18^th, 1973 (which, incidentally happens to be my birthday – 9 years early).  By that point, I was already convinced that this film was going to be intense – a crazy horror film based on an actual massacre that occurred on MY birthday?!?


The film's presentation appeared as though I was watching a 16mm film print in a darkened classroom.  As the picture flickered before me, I periodically had to keep peering out of my bedroom and into the hallway to remind myself "it's only a movie...only a movie..."  Even on a first-time viewing, it was apparent that Tobe Hooper's decision to have Daniel Pearl shoot the film in a near-documentary style certainly lent itself credibility as far as the "true story" anecdotes went. 


Post-screening, I remember being numb to what I had just experienced...but I was ultimately hooked on all things Texas Chainsaw!  Around that same time, I even remember drawing (ed: trying to!) the reversed image of Leatherface from the video cover art. 


A short time later, I'd also pick up the Video Treasures release of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 at a yard sale with my grandmother and, like the guy says, the rest is history! 

Creepshow (1982)

I know what you're saying... "ANOTHER Romero movie on here?!?"  However, as I was suggesting some cool Halloween-themed films/TV shows for some friends, Creepshow popped into my head.  Now, after a quick glance through the Constriction Pictures archives, I cannot believe that I haven't yet written about this flawless film that may be, for all intents and purposes, THE most important Horror film in my life (after all, the "C" in our logo comes from the original poster of course!).

From what I can recall, Creepshow is most definitely the very first Horror film I ever saw; and it was probably right after it premiered on either HBO or Cinemax in the early to mid-80s, so I was likely at the impressionable age of 2 or 3yrs old when I saw it.  For some reason though, I remember watching it with my parents multiple times . . . even though I was completely terrified!  Knowing my parents, they wouldn't have let me continue to watch it unless I insisted so, despite the nightmare fuel that it was, Creepshow was required multiple viewing in my house!

Two things in particular immediately come to mind when I think of Creepshow or utter its title; the zombified Nathan Grantham in the "Father's Day" bit and Fluffy from "The Crate" story.  Whenever either of these two creeps would pop up on-screen, I'd find myself cowering behind my Dad's back on the couch, plugging my ears and clenching my eyes as tightly as I could!  To this day, even John Harrison's music cues for these sequences make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! 

Will someone get this man his cake already?

Fluffy:  The real star of Creepshow!

Working from an original Stephen King screenplay, the film tells five, separate tales (with an overlapping wraparound segment) which all perfectly capture the spirit of EC comic titles like "Tales From The Crypt", which it lovingly pays homage to.  The film itself is a quintessential Dream Team of Horror that finally paired up George Romero and Stephen King (after years of casual friendship and a stalled discussion on adapting The Stand for the big screen); also along for the ride and handling special make-up effects is fellow Monster Kid, Tom Savini -- so really, Creepshow is an all-star feature! 

Horror's Dream Team!

The wraparound story begins near Halloween Night, with an ominous jack-o-lantern peering out from the living room window of a house that could have just as easily been yours or mine.  Genre vet, Tom Atkins, does his best "stern tough guy" act here on his young son Billy (played by Stephen King's real life son, Joe, no less) who has been caught red-handed reading some "Horror crap" in the form of a Creepshow comic book!  Right away, Billy's bedroom recalls the very bedroom of any self-proclaimed Monster Kid and reader of Famous Monsters of Filmland or Fangoria -- lots of cool Horror posters and monster toys & model kits (see if you can list 'em all!).  Almost as quickly as the story begins, Atkins throws Billy's comic book "right into the friggin' garbage" as his son seemingly makes a deal with The Creep by muttering under his breath, "I hope you rot in Hell."  Of course, this story is wrapped up ghoulishly in the film's final moments before the end credits roll...


Is he serious?  No, he's Joe King.

"Father's Day" is the first proper story of the film; here an upper crust clan on par with the Kennedys eagerly awaits the arrival of their Great Aunt Bedelia.  To entertain themselves, family members recount the day Bedelia murdered her abusive & overbearing father and the rest of the brood covered it up.  Since that fateful day ten years earlier, Bedelia has made it a point to always visit her father's grave before settling down for a nice cooked ham dinner.  Of course, since this is Stephen King and George Romero, sometimes you just can't keep a bad guy down . . . especially when he wants his Father's Day cake!   Truth be told, I still tense up when Nathan is slamming his cane against the arms of his wheelchair declaring "I. Want. My! Cake!"


"The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verill" sees King in his acting debut (not counting the brief "Hoagie Man" cameo he and his wife Tabitha share in Romero's Knightriders) as a durn'd fool idjit who stumbles upon a crashed meteorite on his farmland.  King shines believably -- if not slightly over the top at times -- as Jordy's curiosity gets the best of him.  This is also a fine example of Creepshow's dark and twisted sense of humor found in those old EC comics!


Perhaps one of the best quote in movie history!

"Something To Tide You Over" features a pre-Cheers Ted Danson who's been caught red-handed in an extra-marital affair by a jealous, murderous husband played by Leslie Nielsen, the real star of this piece!  Some nifty water-logged zombies return for revenge in this short's final reel!

Believe it or not Ted Danson was, in fact, in Creepshow!



Leslie Nielsen is right:  farts are funny!

In what is perhaps Creepshow's standout story, "The Crate" features Adrienne Barbeau as an over-bearing loudmouth wife to Hal Holbrook's sheepishly intellectual Henry . . . and a mysterious, nearly 150yr old crate that's been tucked away and forgotten under a university stairwell.  Of course, within that titular crate is ferocious little Yeti which eats a few people, including Barbeau's Wilma (she should haven't just told it to call her Billie though)!  More on this one in a bit...

Wrapping things up is "They're Creeping Up On You", which is sort of a one-man play featuring E. G. Marshall as a Howard Hughes-esque reclusive germaphobe.  His supposedly germ-proof penthouse is suddenly besieged by millions of cockroaches, culminating in one of Creepshow's most gruesome moments!  It's interesting to note that, as a kid, while watching Creepshow on WPIX-11's annual "Shock-tober" Halloween Horror Marathon, this fifth story was almost always cut for time (as a feature, the film clocks in exactly at 120mins); so when I finally mustered up the courage to pick up a VHS of the film, seeing this story in all its creepy-crawly glory was a treat!


As I watched Creepshow the other night while getting into the Halloween spirit, one thing stood out:  it very well may be one of the first "proper" comic book movies.  Granted, comic books had been a source of inspiration for movies well before this film but, aside from the campy POW!'s, BIFF's, and KRACK's of 1966's Batman: The Movie, I can't really think of any other film that fully embraced its comic kitch and style.  There are some really great comic book panel transitions and great usage of colored lighting gels to suggest particular moods, along with some excellent comic book boarders framing (as well as behind) the action as it unfolds!  Of course, many years later, both Robert Rodriquez and Zach Snyder would go even further into "a comic book coming to life" territory with Sin City and 300 respectively.

While he was once known as the Screwdriver Zombie in Dawn of the Dead, composer John Harrison really brings Creepshow together with a score that is almost equal parts synth and traditional (albeit hauntingly beautiful) piano combined with stock cues from the Capitol Library.  The stingers that Harrison came up with for whenever Zombie Nate or Fluffy appear on-screen still make my hairs stand on end!  Much like the film itself though, the score's highlight is definitely "The Crate", with its seemingly endless piano suite that builds and builds to a crescendo, as it could easily stand alone outside of the film.


Out of all the stories in the film, "The Crate" is easily the strongest and, oddly enough, feels like an episode of the syndicated television series Creepshow would inspire, Tales From The Darkside.  Everything in this "episode" really is self-contained and could just as easily stand on its own; Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing it expanded into a feature length . . . maybe go a little deeper into what Billie was doing at her night "classes" or what Dexter Stanley did with the beautiful, young co-eds he was constantly flirting with.  Or not . . . as it is, it's pretty damn near perfect.  The stars came together and made one of King's best written works, Romero's most slick and well-crafted piece, and features the first time Savini would branch out from plain old gore while scratching that itch effects guys always seem to have to build creatures! 

Speaking of Fluffy . . . for the longest time, for some damn reason, I always thought Fluffy was a Tasmanian Devil....never really connected the dots between, ya know, Artic Expedition and a Yeti.  It wasn't until I first visited Walt Disney World in 2008 and rode Expedition Everest that I made the connection . . . in fact, the last time I went on the ride, I was genuinely creeped out by the Yeti's appearance at the ride's conclusion! 

Fluffy's Dad:  Dinsey's Everest Yeti!

One last thing that solidified Creepshow as one of the be-all, end-all of nightmares . . . what is now known as the common video artwork was also a theatrical poster.  The comic book poster that I used at the start of this piece is a personal favorite, as I have that poster; however the other, more common artwork messed me up as a kid!  You see, this poster used to hang on the wall of my older cousin's bedroom and, man, it terrified me!  Now that I think about it, what made it even more terrifying was that it was real . . . kinda.  You see, growing up in New Jersey, there was a local amusement park in Pennsylvania called Dorney Park (it's still there to this day) and my family frequented it quite a bit.  One of their oldest rides there was a combo dark ride/log flume called Journey To The Center of the Earth.  The ride itself was traumatizing to my young psyche to begin with (a boat ride in the dark...with creepy window-dressings of giant spiders and ogres killing and eating dwarves), but the terrifying part came from where you lined up for the ride itself!  No joke, at the point where you'd initially enter the queue, there was a very familiar looking ticket booth with a robed skeleton covered in cobwebs!  Sadly, the Journey To The Center of the Earth ride is long gone (too soon for me to truly appreciate it at the time unfortunately) and I can't seem to find any pics of the ticket booth....but take my word, it looked pretty damn close to the Creepshow poster!

For being the same age as I am, Creepshow has always held a special place in my heart and memory.  There's always a tendency to use this sort of cliché, but I really did, quite literally, grow up with Creepshow.  In fact, when we started visiting the Pittsburgh area on a regular basis, it was a trip to be able to set foot at some of the locations from the film!

Checking out Billy's house!

Searching for a higher education at Amberson Hall!

Checking for Fluffy...

Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1974)

After the surprise, slow burn success of Night of the Living Dead, the early 1970s saw a mini wave of living dead films "inspired" (ie: in most cases, flat out ripped off) by the Romero classic.  This first wave was an interesting time for the Zombie movie subgenre, as it showcased a particular blueprint set forth by Night of the Living Dead, before ushering in a second, bloodier wave in the late 70s and early 80s after Romero again put his stamp on the scene with Dawn of the Dead. 


That first wave saw a few US titles like Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Deathdream, and House of Seven Corpses.  Across the Atlantic though, standouts included Amando De Ossorio's Blind Dead four pack, Jean Rollin's  Les Démoniaques (released as Curse of the Living Dead in the States), Jess Franco's A Virgin Among The Living Dead and, of course, Jorge Grau's Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (known in the UK as The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue and, curiously, in the US as Don't Open The Window).

The plot of Sleeping Corpses follows George (Ray Lovelock, looking the spitting image of Barry Gibb), an antique dealer leaving the congestion and pollution of Manchester for a holiday in the English countryside.  Almost as soon as his trip begins though, Edna (Crisitina Galbo) quite literally runs into him and the begrudged pair set out traveling together.  Even though George has a time-sensitive meeting in Windermere with friends, he reluctantly decides to accompany Edna to her drug-addicted sister's house in South Gate, before can borrow her car to get himself to his destination. 

Ray Lovelock, as George, is just trying to stay alive.

It's not long into their journey when the pair meets a dead end and George asks some workers from the Department of Agriculture for directions.  This is where Sleeping Corpses stands out from its maggot-faced peers; much like Romero's films, Jorge Grau goes for a "message" here about a pollution (briefly hinted at in the film's opening segment) and the effects of technology on the environment.  The DOA are using a new, experimental machine to kill insects in fields . . . with the use of radiation.  Ever the hippie, George immediately grills the DOA on possible side effects to the land itself. 

George realizes that Edna is more than a woman.

The film's first zombie appears shortly after; a soaking wet suicide victim who rises from the river and tries to attack Edna.  This is where Sleeping Corpses really starts to take off!  The make-up by Italian legend Giannetto De Rossi (Zombie, The Beyond, Rambo III) is actually pretty impressive here -- especially considering some of the on-screen zombies of the time -- with the character quite literally sopping wet the entire time he's on-screen.  However, what sets Grau's zombies apart from Romero's is, as evidenced by the wet cat, they seem to have the ability to think. 

Knock, Knock sucka!  Open up!

In a later scene where George, Edna, and a beat cop named Craig are trapped in the mausoleum of a local cemetery, our wet friend manages to revive two freshly dead, not-yet-buried, companions . . . by rubbing his bloody fingertips over their eyelids.  It's also here where the film's first real gore occurs as the trio rip into a poor soul's stomach cavity and disembowel him for a quick snack! 


Also along for the ride is Academy Award nominee Arthur Kennedy, as a fascist police sergeant who believes Edna's sister is responsible for the murder of her husband (who's actually done in by our drip of a friend).  The Sergeant immediately takes a disliking to George and Edna of course, bluntly stating "You're all the same, the lot of you...with your long hair and your faggot clothes.  Drugs, sex, and every sort of filth!"  Of course, he also implicates the pair in the gory disembowelment, labeling them as devil worshippers!  Kennedy's appearance really elevates the film above a sort of standard "a bunch of unknowns trapped by zombies" and also creates an outright villain as The Sergeant and George have a continuous back and forth in their scenes together.  George represents the defiant, authority-questioning counterculture and The Sergeant embodies their iron-fisted oppressors with Conservative values.

This zombie ponders how to mend a broken heart.

Later in the film, several more living dead are revived once the action turns a nearby mortuary and what is perhaps the standout gore effect in Sleeping Corpses occurs; a telephone operator is ambushed from behind by the zombies and has one of her breasts torn off!  It's pretty gnarly and, true to the gore that De Rossi would later wow fans with in Lucio Fulci's films, is top notch! 

This zombie has a case of Night (of the Living Dead) fever.

Perhaps aping a bit too much from pre-Dawn of the Dead Romero, the film contains a rather downbeat ending, but manages to elicit one final, revenge-soaked cheer from the viewer before the credits roll.  


All in all, it's an incredible entry in the Zombie movie subgenre and was certainly a worthy film that I'd read about before tracking down a bootleg VHS (ripped from the old, uncut Japanese laserdisc).  It's currently available on from the fine folks at Blue Undergound as Let Sleeping Corpses Lie on DVD, as The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue as a 2-disc DVD (with more special features and the Manchester Morgue title card), and also on Blu-ray as The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue.  Highly recommended if you haven't seen it yet!

A Worthy Sequel: Predator 2 (1990)

Stephen Hopkins' Predator 2 is, by my accounts, a criminally underrated sequel.  At this early stage in the franchise's development, I'm not sure if 20th Century Fox knew of its overall potential, though having a hot, young director like Hopkins (fresh off of A Nightmare on Elm Street 5) at the helm, suggests the similar formula that worked so well with Aliens a few years earlier.  Just by following up the juggernaut of success that the original Predator was, without its main star Arnold Schwarzenegger attached, this sequel was almost destined to be criticized right out of the gate.

Upon its release to home video (where I first saw it), I wasn't too impressed since Danny Glover was no Arnold, though I was still down since it was, ya know, The Predator and all.  Of course, the major eye-candy on display was the Easter egg (probably the first of its kind -- at least for me!) of the Xenomorph skull in the Predator's trophy case, teasing the Aliens Vs. Predator comic book mash-up a few years later! 

Now, as an adult, I'm able to fully appreciate Predator 2 for what it is:  a fun, roller-coaster ride of a monster movie that, at times, surpasses its predecessor!  Set in the not too distant future of 1997 (where fashion seems to hail from the Miami club scene and Gerardo was still popular on the radio), a crime-gripped Los Angeles is experiencing a record heat-wave which, of course, attracts everyone's favorite intergalactic big game hunter. A series of seemingly ritualistic grisly murders hints at an ongoing drug-fueled war between the Colombians and the Jamaicans.  Lt. Mike Harrigan (Danny Glover in his most Action Star role outside of the Lethal Weapon franchise) and his crew of Danny Archuleta (Ruben Blades) and Leona Cantrell (Maria Conchita Alonso), and fast-talking rookie Jerry Lambert (Bill Paxton, making him the first actor to be a part of the franchises for The Terminator, Aliens, and Predator!) is on the case, as more bodies start piling up.   

Let's take a look at some of the cool factors that help Predator 2 rise above mediocre sequel status and straight into the cult classic it should be seen as! 

1.) The level of violence on display works so much better in an Urban setting!

Right off the bat, Predator 2 begins with action as the LAPD is in the midst of a stand-off with the Colombian drug cartel!  There's lots of gunfire, explosions, and juicy squibs showing off overkill bullet hits.  At its core, this sequel is a police detective drama...but with the Predator involved.  Early on, the officers stumble upon the aftermath of the Predator wiping out The Colombians, leaving behind pools of blood on the floor and trails of viscera up the walls!  Literally, this film is completely gore soaked! 

 2.)  The Jamaican Voodoo Posse

Acting under the impression that the two feuding drug gangs are trying to wipe one another out, the story turns into just that:  the Jamaican Voodoo Posse, attacks Ramon Vega, head of the Colombian cartel!  The Jamaicans then proceed to ritualistically sacrifice ol' Ramon and cut out his heart!  This is also where the Predator gets his first big line of "Shit happens" before he wipes out every member of the Posse, while showing off some new toys of his own! 

Later on, we see more Posse members pick up Harrigan and bring him to a meeting with their leader, King Willie (played by Calvin Lockart, in an extended cameo).  Here the Posse ramp up Jamaican stereotypes as they arrive in an eccentric limousine, fish-bowling some enormous Wonder Joints that would make Dudley "Booger" Dawson proud! 

You want some ganja mon?

Furthermore, the scene where King Willie confronts the Predator a short time later is the definition of cool!  The Predator seemingly doesn't even break a sweat as he walks away with the Jamaican drug lord's still screaming severed head! 

3.) Gary Busey and Morton Downey, Jr (and, to a lesser extent, Robert Davi)

As a pioneer of "trash TV", Morton Downey, Jr. pretty much defined the darker side of syndicated television in the 1980s.  The chain-smoking Loudmouth was such a pop culture staple that, even at the age of 8 when Predator 2 came out, I knew who he was and what he was about!  Here, he's almost typecast as investigative reporter Tony Pope, being obnoxious and yelling in peoples' faces throughout his scenes.  

The brief appearance of resident "That Guy" character actor Robert Davi, as LAPD Chief Heinemann is also a thing of beauty.  Davi shows up long enough to be a prick and utter some savage insults at Harrigan and his team. 

Finally, there's Busey . . . this is almost immediately after his near fatal motorcycle accident and, in his role as mysterious Special Agent Peter Keyes, Busey chews scenery and delivers one-liners as though this were his final film!  "He's on safari...lions...tigers...bears...oh my!"

4.) The Predator's new weapons

Let's see, there's the razor wire net that makes short work of a Posse member early on . . . the retractable spear . . . the lobster claw-like spear tip that can fire from a wrist gauntlet . . . and, of course, that flying smart disc!  All of these new weapons expand on what made the original Predator so cool, yet aren't too intrusive or feel shoe-horned in to sell a toy or because the filmmakers thought they looked cool -- these DO look cool!

5.) Predator 2 expands on the Predator's mythology and gives a tease to a much bigger, connected world!

There's the aforementioned Xenomorph skull, suggesting the Alien and the Predator have crossed paths a few times (or at least will, fourteen years later on the big screen).  For my money, this Easter egg wins over the mash-up films we eventually got because of, not only the Wow! factor, but more so for the endless daydreams and What-If discussions it spawned among fans. 

On top of that, we get our first glimpses of more Predators and the sense that they are truly a tribe of hunters!  In the film's final moments, Harrigan is confronted by several Predators who seemingly have been standing aside, using their active camouflage, watching him battle one their own to the death.  I'm not sure who played these additional Predators, but they seem more in line with Kevin Peter Hall's body type and, for me, more realistic than the bulky, WWE-styled hunters we got in the AVP movies.  Again, this addition to the mythology is hinted at and teased in the film's final moments, leaving us asking questions and wanting more . . . which is a great thing!   THIS is how you set up backstory . . . today's screenwriters either don't know how to do this properly or they let studio suits interfere with demands for more and more details about where our characters come from.  

6.) The subway massacre!

Let's be honest:  when watching a movie like Predator or Predator 2, we want to see carnage and bloodshed right?  When Leona and Jerry decide to take the subway to meet up with Mike, they soon find themselves in the middle of a mugging gone bad as commuters draw their guns....and turn public transit into a shooting gallery for the Predator while remaining in his active camouflage appearance!  This sequence had to be one of the most complex for the production since it's in tight quarters and with limited lighting (love that strobe light effect though!).

Every single time I watch Predator 2, I hope that some how, some way Jerry Lambert will survive!  To me, that's a sure sign of a great film where, no matter how many times you've seen it, you always hope for a different outcome for favorite characters!

There are people getting shot, stabbed, thrown, smashed through windows, and just straight up hacked to pieces!  The strobe light effect throughout only adds to the suspense and ramps up the scare factor as the audience isn't completely sure of what's going on or who is still alive!  

Check out that gang member with the bloodied face and neck!!

7.) The one-liners

Since I was 8yrs old when I first saw Predator 2, it's pretty safe to say that the film contributed to a very outlandish vocabulary for me in the 1st and 2nd Grades!  In fact, given my age, I didn't even know what half of the dialogue meant; I just thought it was some funny shit!  Allow me to paint you some examples....


El Scorpio [after sniffing a cocaine mountain that would make Scarface blush] "Come and get it!  El Scorpio is ready!"

Gold Tooth:  "King Willie says, not only do I have to kill you, but I have to take your soul.  Voodoo magic.  Fucking voodoo magic, man!  But you know what?  I tell you what I believe:  shit happens!"

Old Woman In Apartment [after Mike declares he's a cop]  "I don't think he gives a shit."

King Willie:  "This is dread man.  Truly dread."

Mike Harrigan [descending down a pipe on the side of a building] "Maybe I'll get lucky and fall."

Leona Cantrell:   "I have heard about you."
Jerry Lambert: "Yeah?"
Leona Cantrell: "Yeah. Like your last partner got shot."
Jerry Lambert: "What?"
Leona Cantrell: "Well..."
Leona Cantrell: [grabs Jerry's balls] "Try that cowboy shit with me, fucker, and you can kiss these goodbye."

Jerry Lambert: "Okay everybody, just take a deep breath. Loosen your sphincters. We don't need any rush hour Rambos here."


There are so many other quotable lines here that I could easily keep going....but you get the idea!

8.) The look of the Predator itself!

Once again, Stan Winston and his crew designed the titular creature and, despite some cosmetic changes to the overall look -- again hinting at different tribes, ranks, clans etc. among the Predator species -- this is one badass movie monster.  Here, the Predator has more of a lobster/crustacean appearance to go with his crab-like mandibles and his head shape seems a bit bigger as well.  Again, seeing this as a kid, the differences never really stood out as much as they do these days and, for that, I'm really grateful on the redesign.  Winston's minor changes to look of the Predator weren't as distracting or jarring as, say, the constant revisions made to the Xenomorph starting with Aliens and continuing all the way through the AVP movies!

Look, Predator 2 may not be the macho movie that its predecessor was, but damn, if it doesn't strike a different chord!  For me, the original film appealed to that basic instinct of "boys playing war", as it's impossible to argue with the cool factor of the film's first half.  The second half being just a cool monster movie with Schwarzenegger kicking ass, ya know?  Predator 2 has a bit of a B-movie/almost Grindhouse vibe to it at times, along with its straight ahead Action/Sci-Fi premise and, for me, that makes it stand out as a great sequel worthy of praise!  

With screenwriter of the original Predator, Shane Black, and Fred Dekker, creator of The Monster Squad/Night of the Creeps collaborating on a super secret direct sequel -- aptly titled The Predator, due in 2018 -- hopefully fans will take a moment and look back fondly at Predator 2.

House II: The Second Story (1987)

To be fair, House II isn't a very good film -- but it can certainly be an enjoyable film...if you can watch it without your "All my Horror must be deadly serious and loaded with gore" goggles.  When it was released in 1987, it was pretty much an instant childhood favorite of mine, though over the years, I sort of bought into its bad rep and dismissed it as mere cinema garbage.  Last night, Mrs. Constriction and I sat down to give it another spin and see how well it holds up.

And it better not leak...or else!

During a short, 1961-set prologue, we're introduced to a new titular house; Los Angeles' castle-like Stimson House and it's quickly apparent that this is a sequel in name/idea only.  Arye Gross (then of Just One Of The Guys fame, but later of TV's Ellen) stars as Jesse, who is moving into the house once owned by the birth parents he never knew.  Along with him is his record company shrew girlfriend, Kate, (annoyingly played by Friday the 13th Part VII's Lar Park Lincoln).  Jesse instantly begins digging through the family library and soon discovers the story of a strange Mayan crystal skull, once searched out by his Great Great Grandfather (whom he was named after).  Soon, Jesse's best friend Charlie (played with full-on 80s goofball buddy charm by Fright Night's Jonathan Stark and his Madonna wannabe girlfriend Lana (a pre-Problem Child and Robin Hood:  Men In Tights Amy Yasbeck) show up, unannounced, to hang out for a few days. 

Gross, as the film's hero Jesse

Lar Park Lincoln:  80s fashion icon!

This ain't Indiana Jones' crystal skull...

From there, in search of the crystal skull, Jesse and Charlie dig up the grave of the Great Great Grandfather (aka:  Gramps) and open up a Pandora's Box of strange events including:  an impressive mummified Royal Dano, a room in the house which opens to a prehistoric jungle, a crazed cro-mag throwback, Jim Henson-like puppets of a baby pterodactyl and a cute-as-a-button "caterpuppy", virgin-sacrificing Mayans, and of course, the film's main villain Slim Reeser, a sort of zombified Travis Tritt gunslinger...with the voice of Inspector Gadget's Dr. Claw (yes, Frank Welker supplies the voice here).


Jonathan Stark shows some great comedic timing in this film.

Rambo be damned.

Also along for the ride are Bill Maher and Cheers' John Ratzenberger.  Maher, with his face oozing yuppie smugness, is as punchable as he ever was as Kate's record executive boss.  Every time he's onscreen, there is a demand for it to be either kicked or punched!  In one of the film's most bizarre sequences, Ratzenberger shows up unannounced as Bill, The Electrician, joining Jesse and Charlie for an Indiana Jones style adventure where they battle Mayan worshippers and rescue a damsel in distress.  While clearly aping parts of Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom, the sequence comes off rather cheap-looking and its action is very wooden . . . but it's still fun because of Ratzenberger's presence! 

Just one, solid punch to that nose...please!

Everyone knows his name here because it's on his shirt.

For first-time director, Ethan Wiley, the action is pretty smooth, if not a bit stiff.  It's apparent that producer Sean S. Cunningham was sort of steering the train as the film looks and feels very much like its 1986 predecessor (some of the hallways and bedroom sets even appear to be re-dressings from the previous film).  Some of Wiley's previous credits were as creature techs and effects crew on Return of the Jedi and Gremlins, which explains the film's focus on cute, cuddly puppet creatures like the caterpuppy. 

Everyone needs this guy for Christmas!



A baby pterodactyl at a dinner table...wearing a bib.

Since this was the mid-to-late 80s, there's a strong emphasis on Chris Walas' effects crew trying to impress the audience with various makeups, puppets, and stop-motion animation -- with little to no blood (the only drops of which occur from gunshot wounds in the prologue and the final reel).  Think of House II as Labyrinth or The Dark Crystal on a much smaller budget and not so much as a "Horror" film and it's actually not too bad.  Almost 30 years later, the effects still hold up -- though puppeteer arms can be seen in a few shots -- and still invoke the emotions they intended.  The zombie makeups for Gramps and Slim are still impressive -- some may remember seeing Slim from the cover of Fangoria #64.

Gramps wants more beer, dammit!

Alright, who ordered the gunslinger entree?

In the end, the House series as a whole is a bit confusing and disjointed -- don't even get me started on the whole Horror Show/House III and then bringing William Katt back for House IV mess -- so it's not surprising that things sort of went of the rails with the first sequel.  Perhaps Fred Dekker and Sean Cunningham planned to have each film be different in the vein of an anthology?  After watching House II last night, we laughed more than I thought we would and, overall, just had fun with it.