Jaws 3-D (1983)

All genre fans are familiar with the all-too brief 3D resurgence in the early 80s with the top three Part 3 titles being released in blue and red glory -- 1982's Friday the 13th Part 3, 1983's Amityville 3D, and of course, Jaws 3-D following that same year.  The gamble on the gimmick paid off in spades for Friday (scaring up $36.7 million on a $2.3 million budget) and Jaws (pulling $88.5 million from its $20.5 million budget), with audiences mostly skipping Amityville.  Shortly after this mini-wave though, the fad died out once again. But, for those of us who were lucky enough to catch these movies during their theatrical runs (or at least see them on home video in the format), they sure do make for some pretty fun times!

Jaws 3-D, while entertaining as all hell, is a pretty dumb movie.  Much like its three-dimensional brothers in screams, most of its running time is focused on the WOW factor of "Hey!  Look!  This severed arm is popping right of the screen at you!"  The story focuses on a now adult Mike Brody (played by a young Dennis Quaid) who works as an engineer at SeaWorld Orlando, far from the beaches of Amity Island and his budding relationship with the park's lead marine biologist Kay (played by Bess Armstrong).  Naturally, a Great White shark somehow gets into the park and begins making waves!  Standing in for the role of Mayor In Denial, Louis Gossett Jr is on hand as Calvin Bouchard, the business-minded park manager intent of generating lots of money no matter what.  As the Great White chews on their co-workers and guests alike, Mike and Kay soon realize they have a bigger problem on their hands:  the shark's 35-foot mother! 

You may now put on your 3D glasses!

In the shadow of its original blockbuster daddy, Jaws 3-D doesn't amount to much more than the bloated, stinking corpse of a Tiger Shark; but when viewed as just a fun, ridiculous popcorn movie on a Friday or Saturday night, it's one to remember!   Lou Gossett chews scenery and dialogue almost as quickly as the sharks in this film, as he has so many quotable nuggets of dialogue like "No grenades".  Quaid is fine as the first adult version of the Brody kids we all loved in the two previous films (little brother Sean shows up as well, played by John Putch).  Bess Armstrong seems to anchor the seriousness of the plot though, as Kay is essentially the Hooper character this time around; aside from a passing reference to how "those sharks are killers" from Mike, Quaid plays things pretty blue-collar and almost as if he can't believe what's actually happening.  Lea Thompson, in her first on-screen role, also shows up as a water-skier performer and potential love interest for Sean! 

Also along for the hunt -- because every good monster movie needs a hunter -- is the late Simon MacCorkindale as Philip FitzRoyce, who is basically the bastard son of Jacques Cousteau and Don King with a little bit of Quint mixed in for good measure.  MacCorkindale plays up the cheap cologne slime factor of his character, which combined with his British flare, makes him rather enjoyable and worthy of rooting for in the end. 

For the kids, there are also two cute dolphins -- Cindy and Sandy -- who pretty much either get in the way (like Jones the cat in Alien or Gordon the dog in Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter) or save the day.  It's worth noting that Sandy is played by a male dolphin named Capricorn; he currently lives in Discovery Cove (owned by SeaWorld in Orlando) and, at 50yrs old, still loves interacting with guests daily!  Pretty cool, eh?

As a film, things are pretty uneven from the start.  The screenplay by Carl Gottlieb and Richard Matheson (!) is pure B-movie greatness on par with the tongue in cheek humor of John Sayles -- though it's a shame that no one else got the memo that the material should be treated as such!  Having served as Production Designer and Second Unit Director on the first two films, Joe Alves is clearly in over his head, but manages a serviceable job...though this would be the one and only film he'd helm.  If anything, the movie's faults lie in its thralldom to the 3D film making process and its limitations.  Set pieces that maybe could have been incredible or terrifying in another director's hands are instead set-up to only service and show-off three-dimensional special effects.

Some of the obvious standouts of Jaws 3-D are: 

1.) An intense scene where the shark attacks a group of water-skiers in broad daylight -- in front of hundreds of SeaWorld guests.  Here, Mike frantically hijacks a golf cart (spilling popcorn all over the ground -- for shame!) before stealing an MC's microphone to alert everyone to get out of the water!  Someone needs to take the footage of Mike with the microphone and dub in some crazy death metal or hardcore punk...please make his happen! 

I'd like to think Mike is singing "Straight Edge Revenge" here...

2.) The discovery that "good ol' boy" Shelby Overman has been eaten by the shark; there's a cool 3-D effect of his severed arm floating towards the camera and, once the guests discover his mutilated corpse, a young girl has her face smashed up against the glass, nearly locking lips with his lifeless face!  Since someone needs to ID the body, Kay and Mike view the remains, with our hero nearly puking his guts out!  There's a brief look at the gory carnage here, with Alves deciding to give the audience what it wants rather than taking Spielberg's "less is more" approach to the original film. 

Give us a kiss Beautiful!

3.) The scene where the mama shark finally shows her snout -- much to the surprise of all the guests who become trapped in the underwater sight-seeing tunnels.  A young girl -- who is hilariously dubbed -- exclaims "Daddy, look at the fish!" while pointing at the large Carcharodon Carcharias.  Dad's response?  "Holy shit!"  Side note:  the underwater tunnels is actually a pretty cool-looking amusement in the vein of Tobe Hooper's The Funhouse!  If this were a real thing, I'd be there in a heartbeat!

Run...to...the...hills!  Run...for...your...life!

4.) The final showdown where our heroes are trapped in an underwater control room with the 35-foot charging Great White.  Yes, the effect of the shark charging is terrible-looking (even by 1983 standards), but it's a very cool idea, if not a bit preposterous considering the way the monster is eventually dispatched.  At this point, The Last Shark's Enzo Castellari must have somehow commandeered the production, throwing all continuity and logic out the window! 

You better earn those paychecks and act scared as shit!

Bruce 3 always wanted to break into showbiz!

 All in all, Jaws 3-D proved to be a modest hit for Universal, eventually chumming the waters enough for 1987's Jaws:  The Revenge, which ultimately sunk the franchise.  One wonders though without the 3-D gimmick or, had Universal not gotten such cold feet and went with the originally intended Jaws 3, People 0 spoof to be directed by Joe Dante (and Animal House's Matty Simmons as Producer and a script co-written by John Hughes!!), would the film have been as successful?  For my money, I'd still LOVE to see someone make Jaws 3, People 0 happen -- come on Universal, what have you got to lose?!?