Rings (2017)

In 2002, director Gore Verbinski introduced American audiences to a cursed videotape and thereby kick-started the wave of American Remakes of Japanese Horror [or J-Horror as The Kids call it - ED.].  Much like any trend in film -- especially Horror -- the imitations quickly paled in comparison to the original.  The Ring was a fine film starring Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, and Brian Cox, which scared up millions at the box office for DreamWorks, with something that was original to US audiences.  Sequels were inevitable and The Ring Two followed in 2005 . . . though the less said about that one, the better!


Twelve years later, Samara returns in F. Javier Gutierrez's Rings, a sort of sequel/reboot trying to breathe new life into a somewhat forgotten franchise.  The biggest question going into a film about a cursed video tape in the year 2017 is "Does the target audience even know or remember what a VHS tape is?"  This, of course, is quickly addressed by Johnny Galecki's Gabriel, a pot-smoking, deep-thinking professor at the local college, when he laughably refers to a VCR at a flea market as "vintage".  And all the hipsters looked up from their lattes and squealed.

The VCR that Gabriel purchases comes from the collection of a kid who once again falls victim to Samara's curse in the film's opening sequence aboard a turbulent, late night flight.  For what it's worth, this could have been a very cool opportunity to do something unique and interesting -- what with all the TV screens available on an enclosed flight (the TV monitors on the seatbacks, peoples' portable DVD players, smart phone screens, etc.) -- and the film tries to play up this idea a bit, with Samara appearing even on the cockpit monitors!  Though things quickly fall apart when American Horror Story's Lizzie Brocheré shows up proclaiming "I've seen the tape too!" and all logic goes out the window and the story becomes muddled for the sake of the film's shock opening. 


Of course, Gabriel investigates his new/old VCR and finds a tape, labeled "Watch Me!" jammed inside.  In an age where VHS collecting has definitely become a thing (I'm a proud collector and VHS Misfit), there's an inherent thrill to scoring tapes from thrift and GoodWill stores.  Sometimes picking up tapes of the unlabeled variety with the hope of finding some bizarre, comic gold in the form of someone's personal home movies, so it's not unexpected that Gabriel would go down the rabbit hole with this cassette. 


In a small town not too far (?) away, young Holt Anthony [to quote Mad Dog Tannen in Back To The Future Part III, "What kinda stoopid name is that?"- ED.] lays in bed with his too skinny girlfriend Julia (played by Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) on the eve of his leaving for his Freshman year of college.  Holt is played by Alex Roe, looking like a budget version of Dave Franco (himself a budget version of his older brother) with distractingly annoying Martin Scorsese-esque eyebrows [seriously...once you see them, you cannot unsee them...or the fact that they appear to be a uni-brow that was clumsily split not quite in the middle, with one straying a bit far over the borderline - ED.]  Roe plays Holt with all the "hero" factor of Rick in Friday the 13th Part III; the guy is as dumb as a box of rocks...but he's got six-pack abs for the girls in the audience.

Alex Roe, his eyebrows, and Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz

When their Skype session is interrupted by Holt's obnoxious college bros, Julia becomes concerned about her knight in skinny jeans.  He won't answer her texts or calls and then Julia receives a strange Skype call from a girl looking for Holt.  Since she apparently doesn't have a job or any responsibilities at home, she heads for Holt's college campus -- which must not be too far away -- and wanders across the grounds and into his dorm room [this college must have a helluva Campus Security team - ED.].  She finds his iPhone (which dies just after she reads some frantic texts from a girl named Skye), a strange key, and Holt's course list, with one particular class highlighted -- which is conveniently happening right at that exact moment....so she wanders over to whatever building that class is being held in and walks right into the middle of Professor Gabriel lecturing.


After Gabriel brushes off Julia's interrogation about why Holt isn't in class that day, she decides to follow the ironic weasel to an elevator, which he takes to the unauthorized 7th floor.  She soon stumbles into a workshop/party environment of what appears to be an entire class who have seen or are currently watching The Tape, with its imagery plastered all over the room via monitors and printouts of its various cryptic images.  It appears that, after watching The Tape himself, Gabriel did some research on Samara and the curse and has turned his findings into some sort of experiment about soul searching/soul jumping.  Whatever.  Anyway, for every one of his students that he selects for the experiment, he must eventually find them a "tail" who will then watch The Tape as well, thereby it's assumed, lifting the curse from the previous person . . . I think . . . are you following?  Since it's 2017, the experiment consists of making copies of the .MOV file of The Tape and passing it along to the next idiot succumbing to peer pressure. 

Those aren't eyebrows, they're forehead moustaches!

After actually seeing Samara come out of a flatscreen TV (yay modern times!) and claiming a hapless victim, Julia, of course, watches The Tape herself in a desperate attempt to save Holt.  Though, since she sees different imagery than what everyone else sees, this sets the rest of the plot in motion and calls for a roadtrip to mine the backstory of Samara and uncover the secrets of Rings. 


Rounding out the cast is Vincent D'Onofrio, who looks to be phoning it in so much that the moment he appeared on-screen, I exclaimed "Private Pyle!"  He does his best impression of James Earl Jones in The Sandlot here and chews up every scene he appears in; even a phoned-in D'Onofrio acts rings around his young co-stars! 

Apparently Gunnery Sgt. Hartman made good on his promise.

First things first:  like any Horror sequel, Rings falls victim to its need to explain Samara even more than what already was explained in the two previous films.  Hey screenwriters, sometimes it's okay NOT to have a reason "why" for some of these characters and films -- they're scarier that way.  The screenplay by David Loucka, Jacob Aaron Estes, and Akiva Goldsman piles on one ridiculous twist after another [a couple of which are fairly obvious right from the get-go when a particular character is introduced - ED.] in the hopes of wowing or "freaking out" its intended teenage audience.  In what was supposed to be a tense cat-and-mouse game in the final act, one is reminded of how it was done better in last year's Don't Breathe!  The film's poster even spells out one of the twists as well!  Forhelvede!


Somewhere around the midpoint, Gabriel discovers a pivotal plot point and immediately tries to call Holt to warn him and Julia, but the call goes straight to voicemail.  By the film's coda -- literally the very end of the picture -- Holt finally looks at his phone and sees that he has a voicemail.  What kind of teenage/college-age kid isn't looking at their phone constantly these days?  Granted, Holt is a pretty dumb buffoon for most of the film, but surely he'd glance at his phone at least once during the movie and see that he had a missed call and voicemail! 


It's unfortunate that principle photography on Rings started almost two years ago, as it aided in the screenwriters missing what could have been a very obvious angle for the story . . . all of these stupid Youtube challenges that The Kids do these days.  Instead of Gabriel's experiment and desperately trying to find "tails" for his students, the entire movie could have been over if they just uploaded the video to Youtube and labeled it as "The Samara Challenge"; dumbass teens would have been all over it and everyone would have been saved! 


Unfortunately, Rings is a bit of a mess that will likely make enough money at the box office to warrant yet another sequel -- theatrical or direct-to-DVD -- when it should hopefully be put out to pasture.  What started off as a great remake of a truly scary Japanese film has become so watered down as a franchise that it drowns in its own mediocrity.

No, please don't.  Save yourself.

Paulie Pennino: The Real Star of The Rocky series

40 years ago, Sylvester Stallone introduced the world to a true champion and American symbol in the character of Rocky Balboa when Rocky first hit theaters.  Over the next 39 years -- 5 sequels and a spin-off -- that character would continue to endure and connect with audiences around the world.  However, there is one character throughout the original six films whose presence holds much more weight than we all first thought...


Paulie, as played by the wonderful Burt Young.

Throughout the 30-year timespan of the original films, Paulie remains a powerful character, often steering the plotline and setting events into motion, making him perhaps almost more important than Rocky himself!  Let's take a look shall we?


Rocky (1976) - In an Academy Award-nominated Supporting Actor role, Burt Young introduces the world to Paulie, Rocky's best friend and future brother in-law in a stink hole of a bathroom tucked away inside a Philadelphia corner bar.  Almost immediately, Paulie's character is defined with a short fuse, proclaiming (numerous times) that "I'd like to kill the freakin' moron who broke the mirror" and that sometimes his sister Adrian gets him so mad "that I could split her head with a razor".  Charming, right?  But, since Rocky is good friends with him, there must be something loveable about him...


In perhaps the most important act of the entire Rocky franchise, Paulie essentially masterminds the first date between Rocky and Adrian!  Granted, he was a bit of a violent dick about it -- throwing the turkey that Adrian had in the oven out in the alley and pretty much forcing his younger sister out on the date -- but it's a significant moment that sets the tone for not only the rest of the film, but also the series as a whole.  Later on, Paulie even begins to resent both Rocky and Adrian for the relationship where he drunkenly confronts them, demanding...something.  It's not really clear what exactly Paulie demands here; respect? acknowledgement? credit? a good word with Gazzo?

In yet another tremendous move that solidifies their lifelong friendship, Paulie is the first true person to get in Rocky's corner (albeit for his own financial gain of course) once it's announced that he's been chosen to fight Apollo Creed for the Heavyweight title. This of course results in Rocky getting his infamously baggy boxing robe for the big fight (itself spawning a joke reference before Superfight II in Rocky II).  Later, after the fight, Paulie is instrumental in getting Adrian into the ring to reunite with Rocky, by causing a ruckus with a Philly police officer! 
Perhaps one of Rocky's most famous training techniques wouldn't even have been possible had it not been for Paulie:

Sure, Rocky "invented" punching the meat, but Paulie let him into Shamrock Meats to do so -- and did it again in Rocky Balboa!


Rocky II (1979) - A leaner (perhaps meaner?) Paulie has finally gotten out of his dead-end job at Shamrock Meats and now is collecting for mobster Tony Gazzo (obviously since Rocky is now legit and gone straight).  The entire time, it's Paulie who insists that Rocky should keep fighting, all the while he's trying to make a living off his winnings from the fight with Apollo and trying to parlay his career into TV commercials.


When Rocky's big break in commercials and his search for a cushy desk job don't pan out, who takes ownership of the Trans Am and picks up the payments Rocky can no longer make?  Paulie.  Of course, he also condones violence towards his little sister as well at this point with the hilariously sage advice of "Is my sister giving you a hard time?  If she is, ya break her teeth." 

When Adrian first pulls her defining character trait of "You should retire/My husband is retired" in this first sequel, seemingly forcing guilt at Rocky making him take up Paulie's old meat-packing position to make ends meet (only to get laid off anyway), it's Paulie who steps in to level things out.  Again, he does this by being a complete jackass to his pregnant sister, forcing her to fall into a coma after prematurely giving birth to Rocky Jr.  See?  Paulie is even responsible for Rocky Jr. being born!!


It's also worth noting here that Paulie seems to be off the sauce, as his leaner and healthier appearance indicates a man more keen on being a Wiseguy than a Budweiser Man.


Rocky III (1982) - Perhaps the sting of seeing Rocky's rise to the top after defeating Apollo and winning the Title in Rocky II -- events all spurned by Paulie's actions -- got the best of our lovable loudmouth.  He constantly sees Rocky getting all kinds of adoration and attention, while no crumbs are thrown his own way.  He turns back to the bottle and lands himself in the clink, forcing Rocky to come bail him out.


In this second sequel, Paulie's biggest contribution is that he's the one constant on Rocky's side.  Early on, he's now officially in Rocky's corner, working the charity fight against Thunderlips -- even showing a bit of courage by smashing a wooden chair over the giant wrestler's back and whipping out a switchblade (who carries a switchblade as a cornerman into a boxing match?!  Oh that's right...Paulie does!) to help cut off Rocky's gloves when the fight turns into a circus!  He even delivers some awesome, overlooked (especially in light of Mickey's many inspirational nuggets) words of wisdom in this scene:  "Rocko, remember the neighborhood!"  This quote seems to suggest the hardships that Rocky and Paulie came from growing up together, no doubt, rumbling and feuding with bums from the neighborhood, with Paulie whacking them out of course.  Now there's an interesting prequel idea:  a young Rocky and Paulie, brawling with neighborhood lowlifes in a bizarre combination of Bum Fights and Jean Claude Van-Damme's Lionheart!

Sqaushin' sterno bums since 1982.

Throughout the rest of the film, Paulie remains the one constant during the ups and downs that Rocky sees; when Mickey falls ill, it's Paulie who calls the doctor....when Mickey dies, Paulie is still there for Rocky.  When Rocky begrudgingly agrees to be trained by Apollo for a rematch with Clubber Lang, Paulie is the only one who still has faith in Rocky -- granted, "he's a bruiser, he ain't no boxer" isn't the most endearing endorsement, but it's better than the fear and uncertainty that's permeated from Adrian and Apollo.  Paulie knows Rocky can hit!  Besides, most importantly, during Rocky's training for the rematch, Paulie carries the boombox with the instrumental "jungle junk music" version of "Eye of the Tiger" . . . this is almost as important as Rocky himself during a training regiment!


Later in the Clubber Lang rematch, it's Paulie who knows exactly what Rocky is doing:  "He's not getting killed, he's getting mad!"


Paulie also acts as a "wonderful" babysitter for Rocky Jr. during the statue unveiling.  This is probably one of his funniest scenes as he hilariously finishes the story of Goldie Locks & The Three Bears:  "...busted for trespassing and 30 days in the cooler."


Rocky IV (1985) - At the height of the Cold War, Paulie represents the jingoistic sentiments many Americans felt at this time by sporting a Don't Tread On Me flag on the back of his coat when the team arrives in Russia, which Paulie quickly dismisses with "it don't look so tough."  He's also the first to stand up to Communism by mouthing off at Michael Pataki's Nicoli Koloff by pointing out the violent nature of the Russian government (keeping their people behind a wall with machine guns) and declaring that he's "the unsilent majority, bigmouth!"

Once again, Adrian delivers one of her famous "you can't win/don't do it" speeches . . . and Paulie is still there, encouraging Rocky to "blast this guy's teeth out."

Perhaps, in the film's most famous bit of advice, during Rocky's grueling fight with Drago, as he's starting to see "three of 'em out there", Paulie's wisdom shines through once again:  hit the one in the middle. 


Rocky V (1990) - It's safe to say that the entirety of Rocky V is Paulie's fault.  When meeting with Rocky's financial advisor after all of his assets are stolen by a crooked accountant, Adrian even exclaims "we are here because of you, Paulie!" 

"Fightin's the ticket Rocko!"

Once Rocky's fortune is gone, who was smart enough to keep the keys to his old place in the neighborhood?  Paulie, that's who!  With that, the entire family moves back into the split house that Paulie and Adrian lived in during Rocky.


When young upstart Tommy Gunn starts hanging around, who is immediately skeptical of him and his goals?  Paulie, once again.  Of course Robert (Rocky Jr.) and Adrian soon follow suit, but it was always Paulie right from the beginning who never liked Tommy and didn't trust him.  In fact, Paulie is also the first one to notice the "ship is sinking" when George Washington Duke gets involved and leers Tommy Gunn away from Rocky! 


As Rocky becomes more and more blinded by the shine of Tommy Gunn's wins under his management and training, Paulie is keenly aware of the scams and deceptions going on.  He can't watch his good friend fall down and become a victim to all of it . . . during the Christmas celebration as Rocky desperately tries to connect with the family and Robert in particular, Paulie immediately detects the young boy's unease and embarrassment in front of his friends and decides to drop the charade and continue drinking while watching Christmas Vacation!  Later on, when Tommy "The Machine" Gunn fights a seemingly rigged title fight under George Washing Duke, Paulie can barely stand to see his friend wallow in the brief glory he experiences by seeing his former protégé victorious.  It's Paulie's decision (at Adrian's behest) to go down to Andy's Bar and put their teeth around a few beers . . . after all, what are friends for right?


It's also here where Paulie becomes the main catalyst for the climatic streetfight between Rocky and Tommy, by standing up and declaring to the latter "Tommy, you're a piece of garbage, you know that?" before getting punched out himself!  Paulie getting punched out by Tommy is the spark that sets Rocky off to beat the shit out of Tommy once and for all! 


To top it all off, while Rocky's schedule is filled up with training Tommy Gunn throughout most of the film, who helps train Robert to whack out the local bullies at his new school?  Paulie (obviously the more technical training comes from Jimmy [Gambina]), but Uncle Paulie is there to help Robert focus on the tasks at hand and for encouragement! 

Rocky Balboa (2006) - Who introduces Rocky to the "cartoon fight" pitting current Heavyweight champion Mason "The Line" Dixon in a fantasy battle against a prime Rocky Balboa?  That's right...Paulie.  This ultimately awakens Rocky from his peaceful existence as a retired boxing legend/restaurant owner in the wake of Adrian's untimely passing. 


Who is a receptive ear, listening to Rocky as he discusses the "stuff in the basement", ultimately forcing our hero to come to terms with his own demons and questions of mortality?  Once again, it's Paulie.  Fittingly so, right before the actual fight (where Paulie is, once more, working Rocky's corner), Paulie urges his old friend to leave it behind after this. 

During Rocky's annual runs of "The Tour" of Memory Lane on the anniversary of Rocky and Adrian meeting, who's always right there by his good friend's side?  Paulie...always. 


Unfortunately, by the time 2015's Creed spinoff rolled around, Sylvester Stallone decided to retire the Paulie character, by having him buried right next to his sister Adrian, for Rocky to visit daily.

So there, you see, while some people might have said "drop that bum", Paulie turned out to be quite the catalyst for many of Rocky Balboa's greatest triumphs.  A true unsung hero of The Italian Stallion. 

ROCKY: 40 Years of The Eye Of The Tiger

The piece which you see before you probably isn't so much a review or a retrospective of the Rocky series.  In fact, it's more a document of how the Rocky series and character has touched my life through some of the toughest challenges I've ever faced. 


40 years ago today, a small film was released.  It was a film that no studio particularly wanted to make, least of all with its unknown, struggling screenwriter in the starring role.  It was a film that spoke to every single underdog who gave it their best shot.  It was a film that spoke to American spirit of never giving up, no matter how stacked the odds may seem.  It was a film that would go on to win three Academy Awards -- including Best Picture and Best Director.  It was a film that was spawn an enduring 40-year franchise and give birth to an indelible title character. 


Rocky.


I've always considered myself an underdog.  Perhaps that underdog spirit was ingrained in me at a young age, maybe even before I knew what it was.  The character of Rocky Balboa is the underdog for every person who's ever felt like a nobody, a loser, or like they just needed their one shot at their dreams.  Rocky Balboa is the voice for the voiceless who feel they deserve their "shot", but cannot find that voice within themselves.  Rocky Balboa is a heart of gold encased in a rough exterior; coarse edges with what is perhaps not the most eloquent delivery at times.  Rocky Balboa is the wrinkled, favorite t-shirt in a room full of neatly pressed dress shirts and ties. 

I am Rocky Balboa.


The first time I met Rocky Balboa, I was a mere 3yrs old.  My parents took me to see my first big-screen movie in a movie theater -- Rocky IV -- at the old Barn Theater in my hometown of Frenchtown, NJ.  Maybe it was the fact that the screen itself may as well have been 30 feet high or that my parents had hyped up the experience that I would be seeing "a really big TV" (but I had to be very quiet during the movie) . . . but I was instantly hooked.  Of course, sitting atop my parents piled-up coats, I wound up falling asleep.  Though my memory is fuzzy of that experience, I do remember key scenes from the film and, of course, that soundtrack!  Almost immediately after seeing Rocky IV, I remember my mom buying me the soundtrack on cassette -- something I played almost exclusively and literally wore out from so many plays!


From that point on, Rocky Balboa was a personal hero of mine -- along with Indiana Jones, Mr. T. and, later, Freddy Krueger.  I had the Rocky and Clubber Lang action figures from Rocky III, as well as some strange erasure-like rubber figures of Rocky and Drago from Rocky IV.  Whenever a Rocky movie was on TV, I'd watch; though at that young age, they all kinda blended into one film.  As I grew older, the Rocky films sort of got buried in my totem of fandom and, strangely, became a sort of embarrassment for me...to the point where I remember playing the Rocky IV soundtrack for a friend and lying to him that it was some sort of Christian Rock!


In 1990, I clearly remember seeing local news stories out of Philadelphia while Rocky V was filming and my dad clipping and saving newspaper articles for me about how Sylvester Stallone was going to kill off the character in a street-fight at the end of the film!  Philadelphia was pretty close to home and I begged and begged my parents to take me down their while they were filming, but it never happened.  Even when the film was released, for some odd reason, we didn't go see it in the theater!  Instead, I wound up catching most of it on Request Pay-Per-View (the first 10 or so minutes in perfect condition and the remainder of it through a scrambled signal like the Playboy channel!).  Again, not really sure why I didn't just rent the VHS when it came out! 


Again, Philadelphia wasn't too far from where I grew up and, as a kid, my parents would often take me into the city to visit the Franklin Institute or other various museums.  We'd almost always find ourselves driving by the Philadelphia Museum of Art at some point, but I never had the chance to get out and run up the stairs like my hero!


In 1996, the original Rocky celebrated its 20th anniversary and I recall a great deal of fanfare at the local Suncoast video as all five movies were re-released in a snazzy new VHS boxset.  I shrugged at such a release and moved on, ultimately feeling that maybe I'd outgrown the character. 


In the summer of 1999, I enrolled in a Video Production workshop class at the Art Institute of Philadelphia.  It was basically a week-long summer camp and we were housed in the Freshman dorms of Drexel University.  Early in that week, I'd heard that there was a free movie screening of Rocky actually ON the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art!  After some asking around, I managed to get approval to get some of us together and pile into a cab to head over to the screening!  Watching Rocky at that place, while sitting on those steps, surrounded by Philly locals was an absolute treat!  Naturally, the crowd exploded when Rocky actually runs up the steps.  Although the famous Rocky statue first introduced in Rocky III was no longer at the museum, there was a cool little plague with Stallone's Chuck Taylor footprints commemorating the film and character at the top of the steps! 


In 2000, I graduated high school and started at a local community college.  At the same time, I also started working a video store where I quickly re-acclimated myself with the Rocky series, as any one of them were my sort of "go-to" movies to put on while at work.  On 9/11/01, though I wasn't scheduled to work, I ended up coming in so that my boss could take some time off and reach out to his loved ones.  That night, I played Rocky IV on repeat as its sense of American pride and spirit spoke to me and brought comfort on that horrible day. 


By this point, I'd say I was pretty much a full-fledge Rocky fan once again and I didn't care who knew it.  By now, I'd manage to not only investigate, apply, get accepted to, and start classes at Rutgers University, but I was also the first in my family to do so.  I was determined to be the first to graduate from college and, not unlike a certain down-on-his-luck boxer from Philadelphia, it was all a million to one shot in my eyes. 


In 2005, Stallone announced the release of a mens' health book he had written called Sly Moves and that he was to embark on a book signing tour across the country.  Somehow, I'd heard that he would be in New York at Barnes & Nobel and I decided that I needed to be there.  After a train ride that seemed to take forever a short cab ride, I found myself walking towards the end of a line that never seemed to end, stretching across multiple city blocks.  "There's no way this is gonna happen," I thought to myself.  The entire afternoon, as I waited, there seemed to be a sense that NOT everyone would get in and get a book signed.  Of course, as soon as I got there, I grabbed up two copies of the book in the hopes that I'd get them signed.  Sure enough, once the signing started, the line started moving and continued at a brisk pace.  Before I knew it, there I was....inside the store and Stallone was mere feet away from me.  I couldn't believe it that right there was a man whom I'd looked up to for as long as I could remember.  [Just thinking about it while writing this is making me tear up actually - ED]  I could really use some of that Rocky spirit to push me through my remaining time at Rutgers towards graduation in 2006!  We were given the following instructions:  no personalized autographs and no photos with Stallone.  Fair enough.  Next thing I knew, a worker grabbed my books, opened them to their title pages, and placed them on the table that Stallone was signing at in front of me.  


My eyes were huge with amazement as the man sat there, not 5 feet from me, signing and looking up at the hundreds of fans in line.  My books were up and I immediately thought to myself "I have to take advantage of this moment...."


"Thanks Sly."  It just blurted out.  I don't even know how I managed to get those two words out.


He looked up after signing my books and looked right at me with his crooked smile of his.


"You're welcome."


Goosebumps.  [Then, and of course even now as I relive the memory 11 years later! - ED]


Throughout the series, Rocky had Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, and Tommy Morrison.....I had Math.  Math has always been my greatest and toughest opponent, often pounding me into defeat and tears of frustration and heartbreak.  Throughout 2005, I worked my ass off trying to finish school and potentially graduate in December of that year, earlier than expected.  I literally did a bunch of classes in the Spring '05 semester, took some during the Summer semester, and then loaded up again in the Fall.  One of those classes that Fall was an uncredited Math course -- the second of which were required for my English Literature major.  The rest of my courses were a breeze; sitting in hours-long lectures?  Writing 20+ page papers?  I didn't bother me.  In fact, my grades in those courses were great as a matter of fact!  That Math class was all that was standing between me and "the title" of Graduation.  I'll never forget going into my Math final pretty much knowing that I was defeated...there was no way I could pass as my back was against the wall and the bell wasn't gonna save me this time.  I was done. 


Right before Christmas that year, I got my grades and, low and behold, I failed that Math class.  Surprisingly not by much...but I still failed and my fate was sealed in terms of an early graduation.  That day, I immediately signed up to retake the class during the Spring semester.  As I was reeling from the defeat, literally my life played out like the scenes following Mickey's death in Rocky III; I was mopey and needed some motivation.  As it turned out, Stallone was actually in Philadelphia filming Rocky Balboa, and so in January 2006, with a good buddy of mine, I set out to the city to see if maybe I could find the production and maybe catch a glimpse of my hero again.


Our first stop was the Sports Complex where the Rocky statute had been housed (when it wasn't in storage) after the filming of Rocky V.  As it turned out, the Philadelphia Museum of Art deemed the statue to be a mere movie prop, not fit to be on their property, so it had be moved to the more fitting Sports Complex near the Philadelphia Spectrum [RIP - ED].  It was a sight to behold as I suddenly found myself face to face with the Rocky statue!  To some, yes, it was a mere film prop symbolizing a franchise to (at least in the eyes of many) progressively went down in quality.  To me, though, it was a symbol of hope...a beacon of strength even...telling me that I could do this.  Shouting at me, as Mickey told Rocky in Rocky V "Get up, you son of a bitch!"

Soon after, we headed for the Philadelphia Museum of Art to see the steps.  Now, going into it, I'd see hundreds of people run up and do the "Rocky dance" tons of times.  I probably even did it myself the first time I went there in '99 (though it was probably a little more subdued as I was around people I didn't really know, ya know?).  This time though...all bets were off.  Aside from two fellow sight-seeing fans that we ran into early at the Spectrum, no one else was around.  I remember walking up with every ounce of baggage about my seemingly crushed dream on my shoulders....and then I darted up those steps with every ounce of energy I had in me.



This pic here sits at my desk at work, reminding me that I can beat any odds.

From the top of the steps, I stood exactly where Rocky Balboa did in both Rocky and Rocky II, throwing my arms up in victory and triumph while I surveyed the city in front of me.  It was truly an empowering and exhilarating feeling.  The spirit of Rocky was now in me and I was ready to give the fight of my life!
When classes started back up, I reacted to this final Math class in a way that I never had before; with no fear and no pain.  I made sure that I either sat in the first or second row directly in front of the teacher's desk.  I made sure that I asked at least one question about the previous night's assignment; ensuring a discussion and How To was done for at least one problem I may have been struggling with.  When it came time to do my homework each night, I did not just once...but at least two or three times in a row.  However many Math problems -- fractions, equations, word problems (my toughest opponent probably) or whatever the hell I was doing -- I'd do 'em all multiple times to ensure they were engrained in my brain!  For each test leading up to the Final, I received the best Math scores of my entire school life!  It was working.  I had the Eye of the Tiger!  In fact, just before going in to take my Final, I vividly remember cramming one last study session in one of the commissaries.  I was cranking the Rocky IV soundtrack through my iPod, psyching myself up to go in and give everything I had...one...last....time. 


I passed with a strong score, effectively acing the class this time!  And, in May of 2006, I became the first person in my family to graduate from college.  It's a moment that I'll never forget and a win that I will cherish forever.  Not only did I pass the class and graduate, I also made the Dean's List either my second to last or final semester; another feat which I believed to be an impossible goal!   Much like how all of the Rocky films end with a freeze-frame, capturing that film's absolute peek moment for the character....that is how I will remember my time at Rutgers University.


December of 2006 saw the release of Rocky Balboa, a film that many scoffed at the mere idea of.  Stallone himself met such opposition in getting the film made that it seemed as though he were facing an incredible opponent the likes of which Rocky himself had never seen before!  Left and right, people were telling Stallone "No" and "you can't do this" . . . much like I had experienced throughout my atypical journey to and through Rutgers as a matter of fact.  When I saw the film on its opening day, I remember getting choked up and sobbing as it's revealed that Adrian has passed away and Rocky had very little left aside from a restaurant named after his late wife and his old pal Paulie, who was still stuck in the same dead-end job he'd been in 30 years prior in the original film.  Seeing the character of Rocky break down and speak about "some stuff in the basement" and a "beast" inside of him that needed to get out....it was powerful stuff that I easily connected with on almost every level.  It was truly a remarkable film and a fitting cap to an inspirational film series. 


 In 2014, my youngest cousin got married in Philadelphia and my wife and I traveled back home to visit my family and attend the wedding.  The day before we headed home, we made a pilgrimage to several filming locations from the series in South Philly...namely, the area where Mighty Mick's gym, J & M Tropical Fish (Adrian's pet shop) and Andy's Bar from Rocky V exist.  We also hit Rocky's apartment (and street) which isn't actually too far from these locations.  Gotta admit, visiting these locations was incredibly awe-inspiring and just as moving as standing at the top of the "Rocky steps" in '06!


Yo, how ya doin' Mick?

J & M Tropical Fish...long since closed up.



This is pretty much the site of the street fight in Rocky V.

Of course, nearly a decade after Rocky Balboa, Stallone would once again revisit the Rocky character one last time (in fact, pretty much every single Rocky sequel was supposed to be "the last time") in a very different film called Creed.  Here, Rocky was more of a supporting character, finally at peace with his past and his fighting career effectively in his rear-view mirror.  He lives a somewhat lonely, quiet life outlined by daily routines of ordering/delivering food for his restaurant and visiting the cemetery where he visits the side-by-side graves of Adrian and her brother Paulie.  Into the mix though, comes Adonis Creed, the illegitimate son of Rocky's one time rival and best friend, the late Apollo Creed.  Rocky reluctantly agrees to train young Donnie, only to face his own toughest opponent yet:  Cancer. 


I'm not ashamed to admit it:  when Rocky first receives his Cancer diagnosis and refuses treatment (Adrian died of "woman Cancer" as Rocky calls it, despite going through various treatments herself), I was a blubbering mess.  I went into Creed essentially believing that Stallone would finally kill off the Rocky character, as his story had pretty much reached its apex.  I'd come to terms with that very real possibility, believing that I'd have to say goodbye someone -- although fictional -- who has been both inspirational and friend-like for my entire life.  [for those of you who haven't yet seen Creed, you didn't really think I was gonna spoil the ending did you? - ED]


Today, when I watch a Rocky movie or listen to any soundtrack from the series, it's ON as far as I'm concerned.  I get hyped up to take on whatever challenge is in front of me.  I'm inspired to kick as much ass as I can and give my entire heart to whatever task is ahead.  Or, I just feel like fighting people!  Hey, Eddie Murphy wasn't lying about what happens when we see Rocky!


So, it is with this . . . me spilling my Rocky story, that I say a heartfelt THANK YOU to Sylvester Stallone for not just writing a screenplay and creating a character.  With the original Rocky (and its sequels), Stallone birthed a symbol for hopes, dreams, and success.  Rocky Balboa has always been and continues to be an inspiration to me.

Metallica: Hardwired...To Self-Destruct (2016)

First things last:  yes, Metallica's last studio album was 2008's Death Magnetic, but it's not as if the band released the record and then promptly sat around on their asses for the last eight years.  Starting in 2008, they toured the world for two years on Death Magnetic, got inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2009, toured with their Big 4 brothers in Slayer/Megadeth/Anthrax in 2010 and 2011, recorded a secret collaboration record with Lou Reed (2011's much maligned Lulu), celebrated their own 30th anniversary with four MetClub-exclusive shows in their hometown later that same year, toured Europe for the 20th anniversary of The Black Album in 2012, started their own Metallica-themed festival in the form of  Orion Music + More also in 2012 (which repeated the following year), started their own record label in the form of Blackened Recordings also in 2012, filmed -- and bankrolled -- their version of Pink Floyd's The Wall (released in 3D/IMAX in 2013 as Metallica:  Through The Never) and did a handful of dates with their largest ever stage and production, got added to the Guinness Book of World Records as the first band to perform on all seven continents in a calendar year in 2013, performed their first "By Request Tour" in 2014 which saw the live debut of fan favorite "The Frayed Ends of Sanity", wrote a brand new song for said tour (the love it or hate it "Lords of Summer", which also appears in a reworked version on Hardwired's deluxe edition), 2014/2015 saw them begin their massive remaster/reissue project of their previous albums as well as compiling and releasing a hefty coffee table book (by author Matt Taylor) revisiting the entire Master of Puppets period . . . all before finally settling in to write and record new material that would become Hardwired...To Self-Destruct without much of a time-table, working on said new material as they pleased.

So yes, between 2008 and 2016, Metallica were indeed quite busy.

The wait is finally over friends!  I'm happy to report that Metallica have returned with an album not only worthy of the gap between the last record, but also worthy of the Metallica name.  If Death Magnetic was merely Metallica flirting with their thrash metal past (to some, with a degree of rambunctious energy that saw every single riff crammed into each song, resulting in some needlessly long songs), Hardwired...To Self-Destruct is the sound of a band firing on all cylinders like a focused machine bent on squeezing the life from its listener!

Production-wise, Greg Fidelman (who engineered Death Magnetic and has worked with the band ever since) brings a warm, thick feeling to all parts of the record.  If Death Magnetic had a production akin to set of dried out animal bones left baking in the sun for a few years, the production on Hardwired... appears to be a little more colorful and vibrant with its instruments front, center, and primed for a face-smashing.  Guitars are crunchy and thick -- Hetfield even claimed that this is the best guitar tone he's ever had!  Solos are tasty and inspiring.  Robert Trujillo's bass is thumpy, moving and, at times, ominous.  Lars Ulrich's drums are loud and thunderous -- not simply brick-walled.  And vocals are full, in your face at times, and soulful.  This is how Metallica sounds on record in 2016 -- and it is amazing!  Hetfield is truly the star of the show here as he shines in vocal acrobatics not yet heard on a Metallica record.   This is absolutely the record that maybe should have followed 1991's The Black Album.

We Metallica fans are a rabid, die-hard bunch; each new release from our heroes is a goddamn cultural event!  We eagerly count down the months and days while feverishly pre-ordering all manner of formats for a new record!  It's safe to say that our world nearly exploded when, on August 18th [my birthday no less! - ED], the band surprised all of us with not only the announcement of the album, but also the premiere of its first single and pseudo-title track, "Hardwired" ahead of their headlining stadium gig in Minneapolis, MN on 8/20/16 where the track received its proper live debut! 

Track By Track Breakdown

"Hardwired" - as a sampler of things to come, this track shows a band that is back and, even after 35 years, is still pissed off and has something to say.  "We're so fucked / shit out of luck" is such a statement that it had me literally jumping up and down like a little kid upon first listen just after checking into a hotel room in Springfield, IL the day the song premiered!  Musically, the track is a fierce, front-end loader of aggression bent on pummeling anyone within hearing range!  For my ears, this song is a borderline hardcore song with drumbeats that sound as though they'd be at home on any Cro-mags record.  The breakdown before Kirk Hammett's solo is enough to inspire some sweet stage-dives! 


 
"Atlas, Rise!" - all I really ask for in a new Metallica song is something that immediately makes me start headbanging, air-drumming, and playing air guitar.  As the album's second track -- and final pre-release single -- this one smokes!  Almost immediately, Hetfield's chunky and groovy riffage demands one to air-guitar along.  With a structure that would be right at home on the lovechild of Master of Puppets and the groove of The Black Album, "Atlas, Rise!" is a toe-tapper from front to back.  The chorus, with its Maiden-esque harmonies, commands goosebumps -- and, to me, that's a sign of a great song as far as I'm concerned.  "Die as you suffer in vain/Own all the grief and the pain/Die as you hold up the skies/Atlas, Rise!" is such an incredible piece in the chorus....I mean,
damn!!!  Just try and get those hooks in the chorus out of your head!  And, that Maiden-esque dual guitar harmony towards the end?  Beautiful.  This song has NWOBHM all over it! Lyrically, I'm a fan of what Hetfield has to say here, as he takes aim at people who worry too much about "the big cause" that they need to fight for, while ignoring those closest to them.


 
"Now That We're Dead" - starting with a backbeat that would make Joan Jett proud, "Now That We're Dead" is love song told through the melancholic Metallica prism of death and despair.  The song's main riff instantly gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave.  Hammett's solo is a strong statement, showing off his skills with something that sonically could have been on ...And Justice For All.  After the solo, there's a nice a jam/solo from Hetfield that recalls the extended jam of Load's "The Outlaw Torn".  



"Moth Into Flame" - here's a track that musically would be right at home on Ride the Lightning while echoing the observational lyrics of ...And Justice For All, spitting its venom at social media and the desire for instant celebrity.  Again, melodic hooks on the chorus tattoo themselves into one's psyche, immediately making this a standout track.   Hetfield's lyrics are incredibly strong with a call and response sort of list motif and the chorus is instantly memorable.


 
"Dream No More" - for Fifth Members (aka:  Metallica Club members), this is the new website welcome video riff.  Recalling H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulu mythos first dabbled in on Ride The Lightning's "The Call of Ktulu" and "The Thing That Should Not Be" from Master of Puppets, here is a mid-tempo stomper heavy enough to rattle your teeth loose!  Some have said the opening recalls "Sad But True", which I guess is there if you really want to hear it that way.  Hetfield goes into some brave new vocal delivery territory as he spits of lyrics soaked in dread; there's an overall Alice In Chains sort of vibe to the vocal with the main one being in a higher register and Hetfield doubling himself  in a lower one (ala the vocal plays that Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell were famous for).  The chugging of the chorus riff recalls a main riff in "The Thing That Should Not Be", this song's heavy older brother.  There's a cool little pause/sigh before Hammett rips into another face-melting solo as well. 


 
"Halo On Fire" - While it's 100% true that there are no traditional ballads in the sense of "Nothing Else Matters" present on this record, "Halo On Fire" kind of follows the formula laid out on Track #4 on the first four albums (as well as Death Magnetic) . . . only that seemingly tired formula has been updated for 2016.  It's not quite familiar territory in fact, as the song screams alive with energy and an overall sense of "newness".  This is easily a standout track [if not the best? - ED] from these sessions.  Some of Hetfield's darkest and moodiest lyrics set the tone for some sinister riffing throughout.  In fact, the song's final two minutes are -- for my money -- right at home next door to the melodic middle section of "Orion"!  It's as if the writing duo of Hetfield/Ulrich once again tapped into the melodies that the late Cliff Burton taught them over three decades ago.  From top to bottom, a standout track and easily one of the band's strongest -- ever!




Moving on to Disc 2, some pre-release reviews claim that the album's second disc is a bit unfocused and lackluster.  I can't say that I agree with those sentiments; however, if Disc 2 has any weakness it's that the songs on Disc 1 are just THAT GOOD, making for an incredibly tough act to follow!



"Confusion" - starting with a marching intro reminiscent of Diamond Head's "Am I Evil?", this song is another cruncher that echoes the PTSD struggles following the horrors of war seen on "Disposable Heroes" and "One".  Hetfield bellows "My life / The war that never ends" speaking for the soldier who has left the battlefield, but the war still rages on inside.  




 
"ManUNkind" - The only track not entirely written by Hetfield/Ulrich (Trujillo also contributes) is another first for Metallica; lots of groove.  Sure, the band has dabbled with groove before -- see the boogie-woogie of Load's "2x4" -- only here the groove comes courtesy of the one and only Black Sabbath.  Trujillo starts things off with a bass intro reminiscent of "N.I.B." before the song launches into a riff straight off the Sabbath Bloody Sabbath LP.  Hetfield's lyrics (and their delivery) also echo sentiments of vintage Sabbath as well.  Ulrich shines with drum beats and time changes that would make Bill Ward proud as well.  Trujillo's bass work on this track in particular has a bounciness in the vein of Geezer Butler even!  Guitar solo-wise, there's a cool moment as Hetfield sings "Seized by the day / All the dark days of your life" and Hammett rips into his solo that last word, with both sounds essentially becoming one. 



"Here Comes Revenge" - Here comes a song that will likely be right at home at US sporting events for years to come -- certainly in bumpers to and from commercial or in highlight reels.  Hetfield sings about the story of Cain and Abel, essentially the birth of revenge.  The main riff sounds like something loose and greasy off of Reload, only filtered through the mentality of the band who performed Kill 'Em All in its entirety in 2013.    Hammett's solo has a looseness with a Load/Reload attitude from the late 90s.  Later in the song, Hammett shines with some distorted shredding that sounds like a visceral beast awakening.  


 
"Am I Savage?" - another slab of groovy riffage in the vein of the Pepper Keenan-lead era of Corrosion of Conformity.  Lyrically, the song makes me want to watch The Howling or An American Werewolf In London.  Hammett lets loose with a solo spelling ones' doom as a hungry beast closes in. 
 

 
"Murder One" -- A fitting tribute to Motorhead's fallen frontman -- and unofficial Father/Uncle/Grandfather to the Metallica guys -- Lemmy Kilmister; the main riff is instantly recognizable as The Night Before riff that was jammed on after "Battery" during Metallica's first gig on 2016.   The overall progression of this main riff, combined with Ulrich's beats and Trujillo's bass has a feel simiar to "To Live Is To Die" [itself, a bit of a tribute to the late, great Cliff Burton - ED].  Listen, tributes by way of song can sometimes feel a little goofy and too sentimental for their own good (or even fail by trying to sound like the band or artist they're paying tribute to), but "Murder One" feels different and feels like a win.  Hetfield starts things off with a riff that is reminiscent of "Fade To Black" or "Sanitarium" before launching into the aforementioned Night Before riff.  Lyrically, the song recalls song titles and lyrics/phrases closely associated with Lemmy's persona and the overall Motorhead mantra.  It's quite the mid-tempo stomper, chock full of crushing riffage and the lyrics to match.  "Hear your thunder / Still feeding back..."  Lem would be proud.




"Spit Out The Bone" - The main riff is exciting as hell and demands headbanging and circle pits.  Again, there's a bit of a Cro-mags vibe in places on this track.  Hammett's solo sounds as if it came right off Kill 'Em All.  Trujillo even manages to gain a bit of Lemmy's bass tone for a small bass breakdown!  Again, Hetfield sets his lyrical sites on humanity's dependence on technology.  The section starting at 3:59 with a harmonic guitar doodle is, for my money, right up there with the closing 2 minutes of "Halo On Fire"!  "Stop breathing and dedicate to me / Stop dreaming and terminate for me..." -- I just got goosebumps typing those lines out! 




One of the most succesful aspects of Hardwired...To Self-Destruct is that everything about it feels so natural.  The uninformed may argue that the Load and Reload brothers were the sound of a band trying to stay relevant amongst the Soundgarden and Alice In Chains clones of the late '90s.  Other may say that St. Anger saw the band trying on the shoddy production and guitar solo-less mindset of the early 2000's nu-metal scene.  Other critics may claim that Death Magnetic saw the band mimicking their earlier glory days in both song-writing and overall album structure.  With Hardwired..To Self-Destruct though, as Hetfield told NBC Sports back in June before Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, "(Hardwired) is exactly what it's supposed to be."

Once again, it is a great time to be a Metallica fan!


Oh wait, there's one more song to review . . . on the 3-disc deluxe edition of the record, 2014's "Lords of Summer" has been reworked during the Hardwired... sessions.  She's gotten some work done and had some fat trimmed from her; new lyrics as well.  I didn't mind the original version of the song, but I can definitely see its faults and, sure, some of the lyrics are a bit cringe-worthy.  However, here the song is made slightly better, though I guess the old expression of "you can't polish a turd" stands true here.  I get what the song is about and all, but it just falls a little short.  With that said, I'm glad that it isn't on the actual record itself...adding a previously released song (that is two years old) to a new record is a bit of a cheap shot (I'm looking at you No Doubt with putting "New" on Return of Saturn), though Metallica get points for actually reworking and re-recording the track here and throwing it in as a bonus on a limited edition.  Not bad. 

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Despite somewhat promising trailers, Ouija:  Origin of Evil is a mess.  As a prequel to 2014's moderate hit Ouija, director Mike Flannigan (Oculus, Hush, the upcoming Gerald's Game) creates a film that doesn't really know what it wants to be.  At times, the proceedings feel (and look) like a spooky supernatural pilot episode for an NBC series, with stilted writing and wooden acting from some of its young cast.  Other times, the film is not sure if wants to be a simple carbon copy of more successful films like the Insidious or Conjuring films.  Ultimately, Flannigan's film will probably see just enough box office success to churn out another sequel to the original film which will, no doubt, repeat the process.


Set in Los Angeles 1965, the titular Ouija board becomes a new angle in the tarot card reading/séance scam run by a widowed mother (with the special effects aid of her young daughters, Doris and Lina).  Not long after the Hasbro game is introduced, young Doris starts communicating with her deceased father -- or so she thinks -- from the other side.  The usual oddities start happening to Doris at this point; eyes rolling into the back of her head, mouth agape like the "Come To Daddy" video from Aphex Twin, writing journal entries in Polish...  Enter the principal and head priest at the girls' Catholic school, Father Tom Hogan (Henry Thomas in a wasted role) who intervenes to investigate via a by-the-numbers possession trope -- when he first arrives at the house, Flannigan deliberately echoes Father Merrin's arrival in The Exorcist, though here it's during a bright, sunny day.  William Friedkin's classic is even recalled when Father Hogan interviews Doris while she's seemingly a conduit for the priest's own deceased wife. 

Cue "Tubular Bells"

Honestly, nothing truly interesting happens until the Scooby Doo moment when the true nature of the house is discovered -- via the Polish journal entries that Doris was a vehicle to write out.  Unfortunately, it's a bit of "too little, too late" as whatever interesting parts of that story arch are tossed aside for cheap scares and ridiculous-looking CGI demons...or ghosts...or whatever they're supposed to be (think a cross between Pulp Fiction's The Gimp and American Horror Story:  Murder House's Rubber Man).  During what characteristically should be a strong third act, things really start to fall apart for Ouija:  Origin of Evil as character possessions are telegraphed from a mile away and what was probably meant to be a classic jump scare unfortunately comes across as an unintentionally hilarious moment. 

Horror Boyfriend Material:  Comedic Relief Since 1984

When did it become a requirement for any ghostly characters to do stuff like this?

Unfortunately, those aren't the only two weak points in the film; Lulu Wilson, as Doris, does a carbon copy impression of Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense and David Dorfman in The Ring -- ie: your standard "creepy little kid" cliché.  Perhaps it's due to the writing as well, but there are times when this 9yr old little girl is spewing dialogue like she's a 30yr old, immediately killing any believability in those scenes.  Also, there's a bizarre subplot that tries to lay the foundations for a love connection between the widowed Alice (Elizabeth Reaser of the Twilight saga) and the widower Father Hogan!  The way it all plays out on-screen comes off as just as awkward as the two characters are when they're having dinner and Alice is showing an ample amount of cleavage! 

You know she's weird because Blank Stare.

Although kudos to Flannigan for starting the film with Universal Pictures' old logo (1963-1990) that most of us grew up with, his attempt to be cute and "retro" by digitally adding a black dot every 20 minutes or so to signify a reel change, while well-intentioned, is more distracting than nostalgic.  For a film shot digitally and released in a era when there is no such thing as reel changes any more thanks to digital projectors, this cute motif was a nice attempt to say "Hey, this is an old school film!  Look!" but it comes off as more of annoyance and only points out how slick and unbelievable shooting digital versus on film stock can appear. 

Hey!  How are ya?

As a prequel to the events in Ouija, this films takes place in the same house and Lina (played by this subgenre's resident go-to actress, Lin Shaye in the original film) is portrayed a high school sophomore by Annalise Bosso.  Bosso is effective and likable as Lina, though the script almost immediately kills any sort of "Yeah!" factor introduced by the character and her actions.  The goofy ending, I guess, bridges this film and the previous one.  However sequel, prequel, or not...this film should have been able to stand on its own and not confuse the hell out of the uninitiated. 

Annalise Bosso as Lina

In the end, Ouija:  Origin of Evil is an entertaining 99 minutes, but you're likely better off staying home and watching superior films with similar ideas like The Exorcist or Witchboard.

Oujia:  Orgin of Evil is a bored game.

Skip it!