Rings (2017)

In 2002, director Gore Verbinski introduced American audiences to a cursed videotape and thereby kick-started the wave of American Remakes of Japanese Horror [or J-Horror as The Kids call it - ED.].  Much like any trend in film -- especially Horror -- the imitations quickly paled in comparison to the original.  The Ring was a fine film starring Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, and Brian Cox, which scared up millions at the box office for DreamWorks, with something that was original to US audiences.  Sequels were inevitable and The Ring Two followed in 2005 . . . though the less said about that one, the better!


Twelve years later, Samara returns in F. Javier Gutierrez's Rings, a sort of sequel/reboot trying to breathe new life into a somewhat forgotten franchise.  The biggest question going into a film about a cursed video tape in the year 2017 is "Does the target audience even know or remember what a VHS tape is?"  This, of course, is quickly addressed by Johnny Galecki's Gabriel, a pot-smoking, deep-thinking professor at the local college, when he laughably refers to a VCR at a flea market as "vintage".  And all the hipsters looked up from their lattes and squealed.

The VCR that Gabriel purchases comes from the collection of a kid who once again falls victim to Samara's curse in the film's opening sequence aboard a turbulent, late night flight.  For what it's worth, this could have been a very cool opportunity to do something unique and interesting -- what with all the TV screens available on an enclosed flight (the TV monitors on the seatbacks, peoples' portable DVD players, smart phone screens, etc.) -- and the film tries to play up this idea a bit, with Samara appearing even on the cockpit monitors!  Though things quickly fall apart when American Horror Story's Lizzie Brocheré shows up proclaiming "I've seen the tape too!" and all logic goes out the window and the story becomes muddled for the sake of the film's shock opening. 


Of course, Gabriel investigates his new/old VCR and finds a tape, labeled "Watch Me!" jammed inside.  In an age where VHS collecting has definitely become a thing (I'm a proud collector and VHS Misfit), there's an inherent thrill to scoring tapes from thrift and GoodWill stores.  Sometimes picking up tapes of the unlabeled variety with the hope of finding some bizarre, comic gold in the form of someone's personal home movies, so it's not unexpected that Gabriel would go down the rabbit hole with this cassette. 


In a small town not too far (?) away, young Holt Anthony [to quote Mad Dog Tannen in Back To The Future Part III, "What kinda stoopid name is that?"- ED.] lays in bed with his too skinny girlfriend Julia (played by Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) on the eve of his leaving for his Freshman year of college.  Holt is played by Alex Roe, looking like a budget version of Dave Franco (himself a budget version of his older brother) with distractingly annoying Martin Scorsese-esque eyebrows [seriously...once you see them, you cannot unsee them...or the fact that they appear to be a uni-brow that was clumsily split not quite in the middle, with one straying a bit far over the borderline - ED.]  Roe plays Holt with all the "hero" factor of Rick in Friday the 13th Part III; the guy is as dumb as a box of rocks...but he's got six-pack abs for the girls in the audience.

Alex Roe, his eyebrows, and Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz

When their Skype session is interrupted by Holt's obnoxious college bros, Julia becomes concerned about her knight in skinny jeans.  He won't answer her texts or calls and then Julia receives a strange Skype call from a girl looking for Holt.  Since she apparently doesn't have a job or any responsibilities at home, she heads for Holt's college campus -- which must not be too far away -- and wanders across the grounds and into his dorm room [this college must have a helluva Campus Security team - ED.].  She finds his iPhone (which dies just after she reads some frantic texts from a girl named Skye), a strange key, and Holt's course list, with one particular class highlighted -- which is conveniently happening right at that exact moment....so she wanders over to whatever building that class is being held in and walks right into the middle of Professor Gabriel lecturing.


After Gabriel brushes off Julia's interrogation about why Holt isn't in class that day, she decides to follow the ironic weasel to an elevator, which he takes to the unauthorized 7th floor.  She soon stumbles into a workshop/party environment of what appears to be an entire class who have seen or are currently watching The Tape, with its imagery plastered all over the room via monitors and printouts of its various cryptic images.  It appears that, after watching The Tape himself, Gabriel did some research on Samara and the curse and has turned his findings into some sort of experiment about soul searching/soul jumping.  Whatever.  Anyway, for every one of his students that he selects for the experiment, he must eventually find them a "tail" who will then watch The Tape as well, thereby it's assumed, lifting the curse from the previous person . . . I think . . . are you following?  Since it's 2017, the experiment consists of making copies of the .MOV file of The Tape and passing it along to the next idiot succumbing to peer pressure. 

Those aren't eyebrows, they're forehead moustaches!

After actually seeing Samara come out of a flatscreen TV (yay modern times!) and claiming a hapless victim, Julia, of course, watches The Tape herself in a desperate attempt to save Holt.  Though, since she sees different imagery than what everyone else sees, this sets the rest of the plot in motion and calls for a roadtrip to mine the backstory of Samara and uncover the secrets of Rings. 


Rounding out the cast is Vincent D'Onofrio, who looks to be phoning it in so much that the moment he appeared on-screen, I exclaimed "Private Pyle!"  He does his best impression of James Earl Jones in The Sandlot here and chews up every scene he appears in; even a phoned-in D'Onofrio acts rings around his young co-stars! 

Apparently Gunnery Sgt. Hartman made good on his promise.

First things first:  like any Horror sequel, Rings falls victim to its need to explain Samara even more than what already was explained in the two previous films.  Hey screenwriters, sometimes it's okay NOT to have a reason "why" for some of these characters and films -- they're scarier that way.  The screenplay by David Loucka, Jacob Aaron Estes, and Akiva Goldsman piles on one ridiculous twist after another [a couple of which are fairly obvious right from the get-go when a particular character is introduced - ED.] in the hopes of wowing or "freaking out" its intended teenage audience.  In what was supposed to be a tense cat-and-mouse game in the final act, one is reminded of how it was done better in last year's Don't Breathe!  The film's poster even spells out one of the twists as well!  Forhelvede!


Somewhere around the midpoint, Gabriel discovers a pivotal plot point and immediately tries to call Holt to warn him and Julia, but the call goes straight to voicemail.  By the film's coda -- literally the very end of the picture -- Holt finally looks at his phone and sees that he has a voicemail.  What kind of teenage/college-age kid isn't looking at their phone constantly these days?  Granted, Holt is a pretty dumb buffoon for most of the film, but surely he'd glance at his phone at least once during the movie and see that he had a missed call and voicemail! 


It's unfortunate that principle photography on Rings started almost two years ago, as it aided in the screenwriters missing what could have been a very obvious angle for the story . . . all of these stupid Youtube challenges that The Kids do these days.  Instead of Gabriel's experiment and desperately trying to find "tails" for his students, the entire movie could have been over if they just uploaded the video to Youtube and labeled it as "The Samara Challenge"; dumbass teens would have been all over it and everyone would have been saved! 


Unfortunately, Rings is a bit of a mess that will likely make enough money at the box office to warrant yet another sequel -- theatrical or direct-to-DVD -- when it should hopefully be put out to pasture.  What started off as a great remake of a truly scary Japanese film has become so watered down as a franchise that it drowns in its own mediocrity.

No, please don't.  Save yourself.

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Despite somewhat promising trailers, Ouija:  Origin of Evil is a mess.  As a prequel to 2014's moderate hit Ouija, director Mike Flannigan (Oculus, Hush, the upcoming Gerald's Game) creates a film that doesn't really know what it wants to be.  At times, the proceedings feel (and look) like a spooky supernatural pilot episode for an NBC series, with stilted writing and wooden acting from some of its young cast.  Other times, the film is not sure if wants to be a simple carbon copy of more successful films like the Insidious or Conjuring films.  Ultimately, Flannigan's film will probably see just enough box office success to churn out another sequel to the original film which will, no doubt, repeat the process.


Set in Los Angeles 1965, the titular Ouija board becomes a new angle in the tarot card reading/séance scam run by a widowed mother (with the special effects aid of her young daughters, Doris and Lina).  Not long after the Hasbro game is introduced, young Doris starts communicating with her deceased father -- or so she thinks -- from the other side.  The usual oddities start happening to Doris at this point; eyes rolling into the back of her head, mouth agape like the "Come To Daddy" video from Aphex Twin, writing journal entries in Polish...  Enter the principal and head priest at the girls' Catholic school, Father Tom Hogan (Henry Thomas in a wasted role) who intervenes to investigate via a by-the-numbers possession trope -- when he first arrives at the house, Flannigan deliberately echoes Father Merrin's arrival in The Exorcist, though here it's during a bright, sunny day.  William Friedkin's classic is even recalled when Father Hogan interviews Doris while she's seemingly a conduit for the priest's own deceased wife. 

Cue "Tubular Bells"

Honestly, nothing truly interesting happens until the Scooby Doo moment when the true nature of the house is discovered -- via the Polish journal entries that Doris was a vehicle to write out.  Unfortunately, it's a bit of "too little, too late" as whatever interesting parts of that story arch are tossed aside for cheap scares and ridiculous-looking CGI demons...or ghosts...or whatever they're supposed to be (think a cross between Pulp Fiction's The Gimp and American Horror Story:  Murder House's Rubber Man).  During what characteristically should be a strong third act, things really start to fall apart for Ouija:  Origin of Evil as character possessions are telegraphed from a mile away and what was probably meant to be a classic jump scare unfortunately comes across as an unintentionally hilarious moment. 

Horror Boyfriend Material:  Comedic Relief Since 1984

When did it become a requirement for any ghostly characters to do stuff like this?

Unfortunately, those aren't the only two weak points in the film; Lulu Wilson, as Doris, does a carbon copy impression of Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense and David Dorfman in The Ring -- ie: your standard "creepy little kid" cliché.  Perhaps it's due to the writing as well, but there are times when this 9yr old little girl is spewing dialogue like she's a 30yr old, immediately killing any believability in those scenes.  Also, there's a bizarre subplot that tries to lay the foundations for a love connection between the widowed Alice (Elizabeth Reaser of the Twilight saga) and the widower Father Hogan!  The way it all plays out on-screen comes off as just as awkward as the two characters are when they're having dinner and Alice is showing an ample amount of cleavage! 

You know she's weird because Blank Stare.

Although kudos to Flannigan for starting the film with Universal Pictures' old logo (1963-1990) that most of us grew up with, his attempt to be cute and "retro" by digitally adding a black dot every 20 minutes or so to signify a reel change, while well-intentioned, is more distracting than nostalgic.  For a film shot digitally and released in a era when there is no such thing as reel changes any more thanks to digital projectors, this cute motif was a nice attempt to say "Hey, this is an old school film!  Look!" but it comes off as more of annoyance and only points out how slick and unbelievable shooting digital versus on film stock can appear. 

Hey!  How are ya?

As a prequel to the events in Ouija, this films takes place in the same house and Lina (played by this subgenre's resident go-to actress, Lin Shaye in the original film) is portrayed a high school sophomore by Annalise Bosso.  Bosso is effective and likable as Lina, though the script almost immediately kills any sort of "Yeah!" factor introduced by the character and her actions.  The goofy ending, I guess, bridges this film and the previous one.  However sequel, prequel, or not...this film should have been able to stand on its own and not confuse the hell out of the uninitiated. 

Annalise Bosso as Lina

In the end, Ouija:  Origin of Evil is an entertaining 99 minutes, but you're likely better off staying home and watching superior films with similar ideas like The Exorcist or Witchboard.

Oujia:  Orgin of Evil is a bored game.

Skip it!

House (1986)

Yesterday, as my wife and I endured a tranquil eight hour drive home from Monroeville, PA (we were in town for this year's Living Dead Weekend in Evans City, PA), I had the sudden, gnawing urge to watch a particular film when we got home . . . the Steve Miner directed, Sean S. Cunningham produced and William Katt headlining House.  This is a film that has lived with me since its release to home video and, initially at least, completely terrified me!  It's not one that I revisit too often, but I thought, just for fun, let's revisit it.

How much are the property taxes, yo?

William Katt, rocking some of 1986's best fashion, stars as Roger Cobb, a Stephen King-like Horror novelist who is suffering the effects of PTSD from his tour of duty in Vietnam.  Kay Lenz also appears as Roger's estranged wife and soap opera star Sandy; unable to deal with the mysterious disappearance of their son Jimmy, the couple divorced.  On top of all of this Roger is suffering a bout of writer's block as he attempts to begin his next book, detailing his experiences in the Vietnam war (against his agent's advice of course).  The story really get moving when Roger learns that his beloved Aunt Elizabeth has committed suicide in the house he grew up in; ol' Auntie believed the house to be haunted of course.  While reviewing the titular house for a potential sale, Roger decides to move in and work on his next book.

There's our Greatest American Hero, ladies & gentlemen.

Kay Lenz as soap opera starlet Sandy

With a story by Fred Dekker, House is a perfect blend of horror suspense and rib-tickler comedy.  There are some genuinely creepy moments and shocking jump scares -- especially if you saw it for the first time at the age of 4yrs old like I did! -- but, with adult eyes, the creatures look a bit cartoonish and rubbery (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).  Yes, the house itself is haunted...kind of...it seems to be a conduit or gateway to "the other side" -- a similar theme would be explored in the Poltergeist series and, most recently, Netflix's Stranger Things.

Always listen to the crazy, suicidal ghosts!

Also worth noting, the cast contains two very popular television stars, who were both great comic relief on their immensely popular series; George Wendt of Cheers and Richard Moll of Night Court. Wendt appears as Harold, the nosey/kinda friend of a neighbor and Moll plays Roger's 'Nam buddy Big Ben.  Of the two, Wendt is perfect and serviceable as the skeptic to Roger's impending madness as the story progresses.  However, the film's one dull moment is Moll's performance.  I'm not sure if the part was written that way, but the Big Ben character has always fallen flat for me.  In the Vietnam flashback scenes, Big Ben comes across a little too cartoony and trying too hard to be a badass -- sort of like Ron Pearlman as Johner in Alien:  Resurrection).  The clunkiness of Big Ben has to be due to the script, as Moll as fine in other genre stuff like Evilspeak and The Dungeonmaster.  It also probably doesn't help that the 'Nam sequences are obviously filmed on a soundstage or someone's backyard, which immediately take me out of them...

Everyone knows your name in this house...



Richard Moll's performance is loaded with Bull...

Despite Richard Moll's sitcom delivery, the Big Ben character ends up being the film's main villain!  In Vietnam, Ben was hit by crossfire and, while begging Roger to "finish him off", was grabbed by NVA fighters and dragged away to a horribly prolonged death of torture....so, naturally, he's got a bone to pick with his old buddy Roger!  The Skeleton Big Ben looks surprisingly good and fits right in as the film's main baddie!  The makeup appliances seem to incorporate a similar process as seen in Return of the Living Dead with the Tar Man zombie, where the actor inside the suit has his face blacked out, but is still slightly visible whenever the monster opens its mouth to talk....still, ya gotta love practical special effects and I tip my hat to effects artists Barney Burman and Brian Wade!

Skeleton Big Ben stalks Roger in the House!

Also, a bit of a detractor for me is Friday The 13th composer Harry Manfredini's score for the film.  Sure there are some interesting themes -- the main one for instance -- but the majority of it echoes the Friday The 13th series a bit too much for me, resulting in a similar problem with his score for The Hills Have Eyes Part 2.


One of the more brilliant things that I noticed while watching the film again is its lighting.  In scenes that are set at night, the lighting in the house and in most rooms appears much brighter and fuller as if the action is taking place during the daytime.  In particular, scenes in the room where Aunt Elizabeth hanged herself and the room with the creepy closet.  This lighting choice further adds to the disorientation of when (or how long) events have been occurring. When Roger shoots the re-animated swordfish on the wall, the lighting in the den where it all happens suggests that its at night...but almost immediately after, Sandy shows up and it's the middle of the day and sunny outside.  Not sure if this was an intentional trick on the part of lighting tech Dennis Bishop or just a happy accident...


There are a few things that have sat with me since first seeing House though . . . that poster art is incredible isn't it?  I'll never forget seeing it in the video store and being absolutely terrified by it -- even if it is a bit misleading. 


Next, the scene where Sandy shows up at the house, startling Roger who's just fired off a few shotgun rounds at a mounted and stuffed swordfish.  Roger drops a couple of shotgun shells, which roll off the table between them and his beautiful wife bends down (out of frame) to pick them up . . . she then pops up as some sort of grotesque witch beast!  No joke...this was a moment for me where I'd clench my eyes shut and plug my ears!  Absolutely terrifying....of course, these days, it's a silly rubber suit and the whole thing plays much more for comedy than terror.

As the kids say these days:  Nightmare Fuel

Finally, there's Roger's bathroom and its medicine cabinet.  As a kid, around the same time this move was probably filmed, my older cousin Tim was always jumping out of his closet sporting some sort of Halloween mask (not to mention the Creepshow and Return of the Living Dead posters that he had on his bedroom wall) and scaring the hell out of me!  Of course, these days I thank him for showing me the way, but back then, that shit absolutely terrified me and gave me nightmares (in a good way)!  I swear -- and this is coming from the memory or a 4yr old -- that the bathroom at my aunt and uncle's house at the time looked exactly like that bathroom in House.  I'll never forget the eerie silence of being in that bathroom and as for the medicine cabinet that hung above the sink?  NOPE!

Who knew medicine cabinets were so terrifying?

Thirty years later, Steve Miner's House still holds up relatively well for me.  Despite its shortcomings with the Big Ben character and the 'Nam flashbacks, I still love it and give it a spin at least once a year.  If you're in the mood for some good fun with a horror film....I definitely recommend House!


Closet monsters be damned!



The Conjuring (2013)

Take a deep breath of fresh air.  Go ahead.  I'll wait.

Got it?  

Good.

That's the best way to sum up James Wan's The Conjuring.   It's truly a breath of fresh air in the Horror genre; original, well-made, well-acted, well-written and, most of all, scary!

Based on the files of ghost-hunting couple Ed and Lorraine Warren, The Conjuring tells the story of a family who moves into a deal of a house out in the Rhode Island countryside.  For Carolyn and Roger Perron (and their five daughters) things are quickly turned upside down as strange happenings begin in their new home.

Before they know it, the Perron family calls Ed and Lorraine Warren for help in determining just what the hell is going on in their home and why it's happening.

Playing out more like Poltergeist than Friday the 13th, the strengths of The Conjuring lay more in what isn't shown than what actually is.  Remember those days kids?  Surely anyone who's into Horror films can relate to being terrified that someone or something was in their closet, under their bed, or waiting in the shadows.  The screenplay by Chad and Carey Hayes really sticks to the point of the story and only brings in some minor subplots, though overall, it's really a fat-free Horror story at its heart.  

I recently read that James Wan studied various 1970s films to model the way he had this film shot; it shows.  Set in 1971, when the actual case occurred, it's nice to see a period Horror film taken seriously and not just an uber fan director trying to emulate the style of "a Horror movie from the 70s".  Everything about this film feels authentic and that was truly something that I appreciated and helped make the world within the film that much more real and believable.  

As Ed and Lorraine Warren, Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga embody two characters who really can be (hopefully) the next great Horror franchise characters . . . more on that later.  Both actors bring their A-games and, although the story is about the Perron family, their performances really pull viewer interest towards the Warrens.  Lili Taylor and Ron Livingston are also in fine form as Carolyn and Roger (the girls who play their daughters are all exceptional as well); in fact, I was truly impressed with everything that all of the major players allow themselves to go through in this film!  

Keeping in mind that this film is based on factual accounts and that Ed and Lorraine Warren are very real paranormal investigators, there's a sense of realism found here that you don't really see in too many Horror films.  Sure, it's so easy to slap "Based on a true story..." onto a film and watch the money roll in, but . . . well, do the research yourself on this case after you see the film and come to your own conclusion.  In fact, while browsing around, I found a photo gallery of Lorraine in the Warrens' basement occult museum; in the photo was a particular item featured in The Conjuring and seeing the real thing definitely sent a shiver over me. 

The moment the lights went up in the theater, I immediately had to Google the Warrens as their name and story seemed very familiar to me . . . I almost knew I'd seen something with them before.  Sure enough, they both appeared in the Fangoria documentary series Scream Greats Vol II:  Satanism and Witchcraft, with their interview footage and testimonials butting heads with a bargain basement practicing Satanist!  Again, this realization just made this movie that much more real for me.

Speaking of that occult museum . . . having investigated over 10,000 paranormal cases since starting their career in 1952 (Ed unfortunately passed away in 2006, but Lorraine still investigates on her own), the Warrens have amassed quite a collection of artifacts and trinkets which were central to each and every investigation.  In the film, it plays almost like the antique shop in Friday the 13th:  The Series and one immediately wonders how much of it is made up . . . oh, I assure you, it's very real though!  Basically, as it's portrayed in the film, it's a virtual endless fountain of macguffins for continuing the continuing adventures of Ed and Lorraine very much in the vein of Kolchak:  The Night Stalker!  After seeing this film and looking up a little history on the Warrens, it's apparent that their four other most famous investigations would make incredible movies . . . in fact, the door is left wide open for a sequel focusing on what is perhaps their most famous case! 

By the end of the film, audiences will have seen everything went in expecting without the usual stereotypical bullshit found in most mainstream Horror films released during the summer months (ie:  no ridiculous CGI final showdown that has viewers distracted by how fake everything looks).  If you're a serious Horror fan, please do yourself a favor and go see this film now . . . it's already on track to be a hit, but please support it for the fact that it's an original, R-rated serious Horror film.

See it!

The Shining (1980)

How many "Scariest Movie of All Time" lists have been made since the beginning of the Horror picture? Quite a bit, no? Chances are more than a few titles on those lists are adaptations of Stephen King books and, I'm also willing to bet that The Shining is right up there.

By now, it's pretty well known that Stanley Kubrick's film adaptation of Stephen King's 1977 novel about a haunted hotel taking its toll on a broken man differs greatly from its source material. Sure, it's not a page by page recreation of King's work, but Kubrick succeeds in making The Shining completely his own.

In case you're not familiar with the story, Jack Torrence (in a tailor-made performance by Jack Nicholson), a writer with an hopelss affinity for the bottle, is hired to be caretaker during the winter months at the Overlook Hotel. To keep him company, Jack brings along his mousey wife Wendy and their borderline autistic son, Danny. Almost immediately, strange things start to happen and it's quite apparent that the Overlook Hotel has some skeletons in its ballroom (the previous caretaker, Delbert Grady, killed his family and then himself).

The Shining is more than just a mere Horror movie; it's an exercise is fear and almost like watching a nightmare. Even if you've read King's novel, although you may see traces of its plot devices in Kubrick's film, it's still unclear what exactly is going on. In fact, the stedicam shots of Danny tearing through the Overlook on his big wheel are even terrifying!

Many could argue that Kubrick's film is a series of surreal images, strung together with the loose twine of Stephen King's novel. Kubrick uses static shots (or at least shots with very little to no movement) as he crafts some of the most memorable bits of The Shining: Jack, sporting an early beard and a black turtleneck as he stares at Wendy and Danny playing in the snow, the Grady twins in the hallway, and of course, the blood coming out of the elevator. It's as if Kubrick was trying to conjure up childhood nightmares as he made the picture!

At the end of the day, Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, though flawed in the eyes of many (including King himself, who wrote the 1997 Mick Garris-directed ABC mini-series remake), stands on its own as a seminal masterpiece. Twenty-seven years after the fact, it still holds up as one scary as hell motion picture! See it!