The First Time I Saw: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a film whose reputation precedes the viewing experience.  It’s one of those titles that is oft-whispered on playgrounds and in pre-teen social circles as a sort of rite of passage the same way Faces of Death might be; “Hey, ever seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre?  No, well ‘I’ did!”  Even today, kids wear these kinds of bragging rights like a badge of courage!

Probably the first time I heard the name The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was in the 1985 comedy Moving Violations when the character Wink Barnes (played by The Burning's Ned Eisenberg) tells another character to rent the film, stating it will relax him! 


My first true experience with Texas Chainsaw would be when my own mother took me to see A Nightmare on Elm Street 5 in the theater; the infamous teaser trailer for Leatherface:  Texas Chainsaw Massacre III played before it.  To this day, the tranquil music that plays under the ominous voice-over about stories and legends still makes me a little uneasy!  This trailer just compounded any preconceived notions I had about the world of Texas Chainsaw, which were birthed from the brief mentions of the original film and its theatrical poster glimpsed (not to mention Chas Balun's bitchin' t-shirt either!) in the Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors home video.


For the longest time after that, I had wild visions of Leatherface or "Piggy" as I believed him to be called (ed:  why exactly does Clu Gulager refer to him as such in the Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors video anyway?) chasing around people wearing cowboy boots and cowboy hats!  Around this same time, my dad had a bunch of friends who owned and operated a horse equipment company, where a lot of folks dressed like extras in Urban Cowboy or the band in The Howling, so these types of characters peppered such daydreams. 


The next utterance of Texas Chainsaw Massacre came in
the form of Chainsaw & Dave in 1987's Summer School!  These dudes were funny and they LOVED the movie...so it had to be cool, right?

Dean Cameron and Gary Riley as Francis 'Chainsaw' Gremp and Dave Fraizer

Finally, in the summer of 1989, of course mom took me to see Nightmare 5 , where I saw that damned teaser trailer for Leatherface:  Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.  Here was a teaser trailer that frightened me so badly, it remained branded into my brain like the monogrammed ass-end of a cow.  "So this is what Leatherface is all about, huh?" I thought to myself. 

Much like the opening monologue of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2, ol' Leatherface and his story continued to haunt me via whispers and casual pop culture references over the next several years.  Whenever I'd be in a video store, I'd gaze at the box art for Texas Chainsaw and its first sequel, terrified & disgusted...yet wholly curious.  Lending even more credence to Chainsaw’s “based on a true story” mythos, I fondly recall how one of my best friend's moms even claimed to remember when it actually happened! 


What. In. The. Actual. Hell?!?!


It wouldn't be until probably 1995 or 1996 until I would finally cross the border and ultimately learn that the saw, truly, was family.

The very first time I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre was courtesy of the Video Treasures release on VHS which I purchased at the now long gone Jamesway department store in Flemington, NJ.  Sometime before actually watching the film though, I must have caught the opening scroll/credits once on cable since I knew that the events of the first film took place on August 18^th, 1973 (which, incidentally happens to be my birthday – 9 years early).  By that point, I was already convinced that this film was going to be intense – a crazy horror film based on an actual massacre that occurred on MY birthday?!?


The film's presentation appeared as though I was watching a 16mm film print in a darkened classroom.  As the picture flickered before me, I periodically had to keep peering out of my bedroom and into the hallway to remind myself "it's only a movie...only a movie..."  Even on a first-time viewing, it was apparent that Tobe Hooper's decision to have Daniel Pearl shoot the film in a near-documentary style certainly lent itself credibility as far as the "true story" anecdotes went. 


Post-screening, I remember being numb to what I had just experienced...but I was ultimately hooked on all things Texas Chainsaw!  Around that same time, I even remember drawing (ed: trying to!) the reversed image of Leatherface from the video cover art. 


A short time later, I'd also pick up the Video Treasures release of Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 at a yard sale with my grandmother and, like the guy says, the rest is history! 

Rob Zombie's 31 (2016)

Rob Zombie can be a pretty divisive figure in pop culture, whether for his music career or his film-making career; odds are that if you say his name, you'll get either a Love Him or Hate Him reaction.  The best part about that though?  He doesn't care either way. 


His latest feature film, 31,  -- which debuted last night in a series of advanced screenings sponsored by Fathom Events -- is the result of a crowd-funded production and, for my money anyway, it's his most fully realized production to date.  That last part is a bit ironic given that the original genesis for the film came out of frustration from the constant stalling of his 70s era Philadelphia Flyers bio-pic, Broad Street Bullies where he threw out what he thought was the dumbest, most simple concept for a film -- essentially, "a bunch of people are kidnapped on Halloween night and forced to survive against a bunch of murderous clowns."


31's story picks up with a group of carnies on a cross-country road trip -- on October 31, 1976 -- in search of fine-tuning their show when they're suddenly accosted by masked clowns and forced to fight for their very lives under the orchestration of three mysterious English people dressed in upper crust, powdered wigs.  Again, a very simple premise that works in Zombie's favor this time around. 


Once again, Zombie peppers his film with familiar genre faces and various "Zombie Players" seen in his previous films.  The cast breakdown includes:  Meg Foster as Venus Virgo, the pseudo-mother figure to the group; Jeff Daniel Phillips as Roscoe, who has showbiz dreams beyond just being the mechanic of the group; Sheri Moon Zombie as Charly, the group's free-spirited sexpot.   New faces in the cast include Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs as Panda Thomas, the Jamaican-accented heart of the group, and Kevin Jackson as Levon, a sort of elder statesman of the group.  There's a definite chemistry among the five main players and the audience genuinely cares for them as the picture progresses. 

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

On the flipside, the villains are comprised of several more returning Zombie veterans:  Malcolm McDowell as Father Murder, Judy Geeson as Sister Dragon, Lew Temple as Psycho-Head, E.G. Daily as Sex-Head, Daniel Roebuck as Pastor Victor, Ginger Lynn as Cherry Bomb, and Richard Brake as the show-stealing Doom-Head.  As a new-comer to the villain side, Pancho Moler also shines as the diminutive (and aptly named) Sick-Head.

Malcolm McDowell as Father Murder

The most obvious comparison for 31 lies in The Most Dangerous Game -- not in The Running Man, which Zombie admitted that he hasn't seen in probably 25 years during a post-show Q & A at last night's screening.  Our heroes have 12 hours to survive a labyrinth of dead-ends in an abandoned factory, all while being hunted by various 'Head' characters:  the Nazi-obsessed Sick-Head, the chainsaw-wielding brothers Psycho-Head and Schizo-Head, the sinful Death-Head and his non-platonic partner Sex-Head, and of course, the Nosferatu-inspired Doom-Head.


For some, there may be a hesitancy to avoid this film, thinking that it's just another "Rob Zombie torture film" and, while 31 initially starts out with the sort of bottom-of-the-barrel "humorous" dialogue you'd find scrawled across the fecal-stained walls of a gas station bathroom, thankfully, this isn't more of the same throughout!  Make no mistake:  for fans of 80s Slasher films (and a handful of 70s drive-in pictures like Last House On The Left and The Hills Have Eyes), this is a straight-up Fight For Your Life Revenge picture!  Our heroes more than hold their own against the sadistic hunters who prey upon them, often dispatching them in more and more gruesome ways while advancing to the next scene (not unlike The Running Man though).

As Charly, Sheri Moon Zombie fights to survive 31!

Dialogue-wise, Sheri Moon Zombie has some great "let's get these fuckers" type of one-liners, Lew Temple has some hilarious bits as Psycho-Head (his brief scene in Rob Zombie's Halloween remake still cracks me up!), Jeff Daniel Phillips throws out some fine Reluctant Hero lines, but of course, the majority of the page-chewing goes to Richard Brake as Doom-Head.  The film starts off with a fantastic black and white monologue as Doom-Head seemingly breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience directly. 


Richard Brake as Doom-Head

Speaking of Doom-Head, my immediate impression was:  "He'd make a GREAT Halloween costume" and "Move over Otis Firefly and Captain Spaulding, there's a new sheriff in town!"  Welsh actor Brake (known by most as Joe Chill, the man who killed Bruce Wayne's parents in Batman Begins) owns every single scene he appears in whether he's having a not-so-intimate moment with a cheap prostitute in a low-rent flophouse room, smearing on pancake makeup to prepare for his own hunt, or stealthily stalking his victims in the film's second half -- his performance is a tour de force!


Of course, this isn't to say that 31 is a perfect film through and through though; there's a lot of hand-held, borderline shaky-cam cinematography that made several of the fight scenes a bit confusing and distracting; as mentioned before, there's some of that vial, infantile dialogue that appears in every Zombie film; and the picture almost  veers into the sort of dream-like, cinefile art-house scenery which did in Zombie's Halloween II and The Lords of Salem for a few folks.


More of its strengths are in some incredibly creepy make-ups for the hunters; Doom-Head, with his crusty white pancake paint and bloodied nose & mouth and, surprisingly Sex-Head with her beautiful, yet disturbing mime-like face paint.  There's also a beautifully filmed opening credits sequence, utilizing vintage filmmaking techniques and showcasing Zombie's love for the craft!   31's greatest strength though, lies in its overall simplicity.  The story doesn't get bogged down in backstory or origins -- we never do find out who the three upper crust people are or why they're playing the seemingly-annual titular game of 31 (it's simple:  for their own amusement) and we never learn anything more about the various 'Head' characters outside of the hinted at fact that they come to work when they're called upon.  However, there are enough unanswered questions and open-ended fates that leave the barn doors wide open to revisit these characters in the future...  


Jeff Daniel Phillips' Roscoe takes a final stand.

In the end, Rob Zombie's 31 is an entertaining funhouse ride which showcases his growing talents as a writer/director.  The film also shines with probably the strongest principle cast Zombie has ever had at his disposal.  Ultimately, it's unfortunate that so many people will likely pass on the film just because Rob Zombie's name is attached to it; if it was any other writer/director, 31 would probably be the foundation for this decade's Saw or Hostel franchise.


See it!